


Bounty of Doom

by Sage_Nikolai_27, Superstardum



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Alcohol, Gen, Medical Conditions, Plot, Post-Invader Zim: Enter the Florpus, Professor Membrane has high intelligence and -2 wisdom, Verbal Abuse, only in chapter one and two by one guy, tags will update with the chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 13:21:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23045584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sage_Nikolai_27/pseuds/Sage_Nikolai_27, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Superstardum/pseuds/Superstardum
Summary: It's been two years since the Massive flew head first into the Florpus.  They've finally managed to escape and they have only have one focus, eradicate Zim.  How do they plan on taking him down?  By hiring someone else to do it, of course!
Relationships: Dib & Zim (Invader Zim)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 41





	1. This Plan is ... FLAWLESS!

The Massive. The Irken armada flagship. The pride and joy of the Empire. A ship able to strike fear into the hearts of it’s enemies. A ship so menacing, it caused entire galaxies to quiver in fear at just the mere sight of it. With just a single laser blast, it could destroy 15 planets, and did so at a terrifying pace as it tracked its way through the galaxy.

… or at least that’s what it would be doing if it wasn’t currently stuck in a giant space hole.

At the current moment, the ship was rocking violently through a deadly Florpus hole, shaking all the Irkens inside. For the past two years the Massive had been stuck inside the Florpus hole, rocketing through realities at breakneck speeds. The crew was reduced to a choir of agony filled screams, every new reality ripping their bodies apart and rearranging them into some bizarre new configuration. Without warning the ship came to a stop, causing the crew to fall to the floor and piling on top of each other. For the first time in what seemed like a millenia, the walls were still, and the Irken’s bodies weren’t morphing into new terrifying creatures.

In the main bridge, Tallest Red and Purple sat on the floor clutching each other for dear life, their eyes screwed shut. Red cracked one of his eyes open, slightly confused at the odd sense of calm falling across the ship.

“Is… is it over?!” he stammered, frantically looking around the room. He locked eyes with a navigator as he rose off the ground. “YOU!” Red screamed, pointing at the shocked technician. “What’s our current position?!”

The navigator furiously typed at their keypad, bringing up a large map on the big screen. All the Irkens locked eyes on the screen, desperate for answers.

“W-we’re… back on our flight path?” the navigator answered, confused.

The map enhanced around the ship’s current location, showing a straight line through a nearby cluster of planets, the Florpus Hole nowhere in sight. Red rose off the ground to get a better look, Purple clinging to him like a baby koala.

“We’re… we’re out,” Red choked out, his face lighting up with joy.

Purple’s head popped off Red’s shoulder, looking up at the map in shock. “So it’s finally over?!” he cried, releasing the death grip he had on Red. 

“It would seem so, sir,” the navigator replied, “We’re even still on our course for Operation Doom II!”

Purple threw his hands up in the air, turning to the crew. “HOORAY! NO MORE HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES! WE CAN GO BACK TO BLOWING STUFF UP!”

The crew erupting into cheers of joy as confetti fell from the ceiling. Sodas and doughnuts were passed around as Red and Purple spun each other around chanting “We’re out, we’re out!”

One of the technicians' computers beeped and flashed, pulling the Irken away from his celebration. The screen flashed with “INCOMING TRANSMISSION”. The technician dropped his soda in horror when he saw the caller.

“Hey, what’s that annoying beeping sound?!” Red said, looking around the room. His brow scrunched down in frustration at the sight of the technician. “Hey idiot! What do you think you’re doing?! That sound is getting annoying.”

The technician gulped. “I-it’s a t-transm-mission s-s-s-sir.”

“Oh! Well, why didn’t you just say so!” Red barked, “Put on the call so we can get it over with!”

“S-sir… with all due respect… I REALLY don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Red shot the navigator a harsh look. “Are you disobeying a direct order from your tallest? Do you doubt my commands?”

“N-NO! N-not at all my t-tallest!” The technician’s antenna began to quiver against the poor Irken’s skull. “I-i-it’s j-just um… t-t-the t-t-transm-m-mission…”

Purple face palmed and groaned loudly. “OH FOR THE LOVE OF IRK! JUST PICK UP THE STUPID THING SO WE CAN GET BACK TO CELEBRATING!”

The technician went pale. “Y-y-yes, my tallest.” With shaking claws he pulled up the transmission on the large screen.

Red rolled his eyes as he turned toward the screen. “Geez, the nerve of that guy. Who does he think he is? Thinking he can question us.”

The map on screen faded to a video transmission showing Zim’s makeshift living room, with Zim’s face smooshed up against the camera.

“MY TALLEST!” Zim cried, grinning widely and practically bouncing with excitement. He started waving his arm frantically. “IT IS I, ZIM! MY TALLEST, I COME WITH VITAL NEWS!”

The crew’s joyful cheers stopped dead. All the Irkens turned in unison to look at the screen, their eyes going wide in horror. Red and Purple couldn’t even muster a response, their jaws dropping down in shock.

Zim, meanwhile, didn’t seem to register the shock in the room, and had just gone on rambling about his latest plan like nothing was wrong. He held up a stick of deodorant in a little suspension field and went on with his report.

“BEHOLD! I have discovered the Dib-human’s secret weapon! This device seems to be the beginning of a cloaking device! But these pitiful humans are extremely primitive to Irken brilliance! The only part of humans this stupid thing cloaks is their smell… and it barely works on some of them.” He lowered the stick of deodorant and tucked his arms behind his back. “I shall continue to run tests to uncover its secrets, and I shall DESTROY THE HUMAN’S PL-”

A blast of fire shot out through the kitchen doorway, followed by explosions and sparkles. The fire alarm started beeping and Zim whipped around to look at the kitchen. 

“GIR!” Zim cried. “What do you think you’re doing!? I’m on a call with the Tallest! It’s very important!”

GIR popped out of the kitchen with two sparklers in his hands and a large, lit firework on his head. “I’m makin’ waffles! DEY GOT FIREWORKS IN ‘EM!”

On cue, the firework on GIR’s head started flying around the room, crashing into the camera in a fabulous burst of color. The transmission cut off and the screen was filled with static.

Red cried out in anger, flipping over a poor nearby table drone who had arrived to deliver snacks for the celebration. Purple fell to the floor and started moaning.

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?” Red cried. “DOES THAT LITTLE IDIOT NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT HE DID?! NOT EVEN BANISHMENT IS ENOUGH TO GET RID OF THAT STUPID LITTLE DEFECT!”

Purple pounded his fist on the ground. “Yeah, we need to get rid of him! Let’s put him on existence evaluation and deactivate his PAK!”

“... Uh sir?” a young technician said from the corner of the room, “You kind of already did that…. And it ended in utter disaster. He broke the control brains, got labeled as “greatest invader ever”, and then he flew the massive for 10 minutes.”

Purple turned toward the source of the noise, eyes filled with rage. “Alright, WHO SAID THAT?!” The entire crew pointed to the technician, who was now shaking with fear. 

Purple pointed a finger at the technician. “TOSS HIM OUT THE AIRLOCK!”

Red, completely unfazed by the screams of terror from the technicians behind him, said, “That guy did have a point though.” He signed, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Purple got up off the floor, dusting himself off. “Ugh, I don’t want to think about Zim flying the ship again...”

Red shuttered at the memory of Zim’s horrible piloting. “Oh, don’t remind me. That was one of the worst 10 minutes of my life.” He rubbed at his temples in frustration. “But it’s not like we can just leave him alone on that pile of dirt. We already tried avoiding him and look at where that got us.”

“So let’s blow him up!” Purple cried excitedly. “We’re great at blowing things up!”

“With what?! Any piece of equipment we try to send him either doesn’t do squat or blows up in our faces!”

Purple leaned back and moaned in annoyance. “UGGGGGH! Why does everything with Zim have to be so difficult!? Now I don’t know how we’re going to get rid of him! Can’t we just get someone else to think of something?!”

Red’s antenna popped suddenly, and he turned to Purple with a grin. “Purple, I think you just gave me a great idea.”

~

  
  


“Alright.” Red red said with a clap of his hands. “Are all preparations for “Operation Hire Mercenaries to Kill Zim so we Never Have to Deal with Him Again” done?”

A technician stepped forward while rolling her eyes, holding a metal ring in her hand. “Yes, my Tallest. We’ve even completed the collar you requested.” She held the ring up so Red and Purple could get a better look. “Per your designs, this device will send the mercenary straight to planet Urth, and retrieve them should the need arise. And per Tallest Purple’s requests, we’ve included a camera system to ensure the mercenaries complete their jobs… and so you two could watch.”

Purpled hopped with joy and anticipation. “This has to be one of the best plans we’ve ever come up with! It’s absolutely foolproof!”

“... or you know.” Red sighed, rubbing at his temples. “It would be flawless if anyone bothers to SHOW UP!” 

Purple looked around the room disappointed. “OH, COME ON! Where are they?! I want to watch Zim get destroyed!”

Red rubbed at the back of his neck. “You know… maybe we should have made the prize a bit higher. Or you know, offered them actual money. A two month supply of snacks might not be the best--”

Red was cut off as the door to the bridge was kicked in. In the doorway stood an odd creature with a lanky, humanoid figure. His body was clear, looking like his skin was made out of glass. He was filled with an orange liquid, with a few globs of yellow goo bobbing around inside of him like a lava lamp. He gave off a faint glow as he staggered his way into the room. In his hand he was holding a very large jug of alcohol. It was so strong that the technicians standing next to him started to gag at the smell.

“WHAT IS UP MY DU- _HURK_ ” The strange figure started to dry heave, placing a hand on his knee for balance. Once he regained what little composure he had, he took a large swig from his bottle and swayed slightly on his feet

Red blinked in confusion. “Uhhh… and who exactly are you?”

The strange creature pulled out a flyer with the bounty on it. “I’m here for the *BELCH* fffffoooooood!

Red shrugged. “Well beggars can’t be choosers.” He turned to the technicians in the room. “ALRIGHT FOLKS WE’VE GOT OUR FIRST CONTENDER!”

The technicians scrambled trying to get everything set up. One reluctantly walked up to the strange creature with a tablet in hand.

“Alright… guy.” the technician sighed. “Can I have your name and species for the record.”

“I’m a Lamptarian, my duuuuude.” The Lamptarian slurred, taking another long swig from his jug. “Names _HURK_.”

The technician jumped back in fear of getting barfed on. When she realized that it was just a false alarm, she signed and pulled the tablet back up again.

“I actually meant your mercenary title, not your actual name.” She sighed, already sick of dealing with this idiot.

Hurk shrugged with a sort. “Pfffffffft, I don’t know. I’ll think of a name-- _HURK!”_ This time, he threw up on the floor. 

The technician facepalmed. “Oh are you- you know what, I don’t care.” She ushered over a janitorial drone and stuck her tongue out in disgust as she tapped on the screen. “Can someone please get the collar for this idiot!?”

Another smaller Irken ran up with a step-stool and a collar, desperately trying not to gag at the overwhelming smell of booze around the Lamptarian’s face.

Hurk snorted in response as the collar clicked into place. “Pfffft… we getting kiiiiiinky in here?” He took a swing from his jug and flashed a thumbs up. “Ffffffffucking awesome, I’m down. Who’s up first?”

Red’s face flushed purple. “WH-NO!” He turned toward the large screen, desperate to hide his embarrassment. “That collar gets you to and from Planet Urth. That’s where Zim is.” A picture of the planet and Zim both in and out of his human disguise flashed up on screen. “You’ll have one full Urth rotation to take out the target. We frankly don’t care how you do it, just get it done.”

“But make it interesting!” Purple cried from behind Red. “We’ll be watching through a camera system, so don’t bore us! And remember, we’re not paying you if you don’t kill him!”

Red rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything in response to Purple. “Do you need time to make preparations before departing?”

The Lamptarian shook his head, the blobs of goo in his body turning green to match his raising joy. He then began chugging the jug in his hand.

“WELP, HIS FUNERAL!” Purple cried out. “Send him off! I can’t wait a second longer!”

The technician came around with the tablet once more, pointing to a small green button on the collar. “If for any reason you need to return early, just hit that button.” With a final few taps of the screen, the Lamptarian began to glow in a white light. “Good luck kid… you’re going to need it.”

The Lamptarian lifted his arm up and flashed a thumbs up as he engulfed in the bright light, warped off to his mission.


	2. This Man is Clearly a Professional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first mercenary arrives on Earth. Oh yeah, and Dib and Zim finally show up!

It was a fairly normal Sunday night at the Membrane household. Professor Membrane was downstairs in his basement lab, welding away at his latest invention. Gaz was sitting in the living room, playing her Game Slave 4 while the TV played in front of her. Dib, meanwhile, was locked away in his room, typing away at his computer.

“Thanks a lot, Miss. Bitters,” Dib mumbled under his breath as he typed away. “Could be spending my time protecting the freaking planet or proving the existence of vampire bees, but nooooo. I’m stuck writing a stupid ten page report on the effect of hypothermia and how fast someone would die from it… for a freaking English class. What the hell does this even have to do with Pride and Prejudice?! Stupid middle skool asignments. When the hell am I ever going to need this?”

Dib leaned back in his chair and sighed, taking his glasses off to rub at the bridge of his nose. His phone suddenly began to buzz on this desk, with several alerts from the Swollen Eyeball Network flooding in.

“What the hell?” Dib said as he picked up the phone. He looked back at his paper and shrugged. He had already hit the page limit, and he decided that the report was as good as it was going to get. He logged into the Swollen Eyeball Network to check the recent flood of activity.

“Okay guys, what the hell is going on? This many members active at once isn’t…”

Dib’s voice trailed off as his computer screens filled with video links and messages from various members. All the messages were talking about the same thing; a strange, lanky, very much NOT human creature had crashed through the front window of a liquor store. The creature had then proceeded to rampage through one of the aisles, chugging nearly every bottle it came across. There was only one employee in the store, who just sat behind the checkout counter playing games on his phone. He didn’t even seem to register that the creature crashed through the window in the first place. After completely destroying the first aisle, the creature ran over to the front door and attempted to jump through it. The door, however, was an automatic glass sliding door, and simply moved out of the way. The creature landed face first onto the ground, before getting up and trying to jump through it once again. After several failed attempts, the creature ran back into the store and began destroying the next aisle. Dib checked the length of the video and his eyes nearly popped out of his head.

“.... HOW DID THIS GO ON FOR THREE HOURS?!” He cried, tugging at his hair. “DO YOU PEOPLE NOT HAVE BASIC OBSERVATION SKILLS?!”

Dib fast forwarded through the video, watching as the creature zipped back and forth repeating the same cycle of “battling” the door, and ripping apart the store. After drinking enough alcohol to intoxicate fifty people, and calling it a draw with the door, the creature left the store by jumping through a window next to the one he jumped in through. He staggered his way down the street and away into the night. Unfortunately, there was no more footage after that point, as he seemed to have cut down an alley and escaped into the suburbs. The agents online were offering theories as to what exactly that thing was, and where on Earth it could have gone. Dib practically leapt out of his chair in excitement, grabbing his camera and alien hunting briefcase.

“This is amazing! Concrete proof of the paranormal!” He exclaimed with a grin as he tossed his supplies into the briefcase. “If I can capture it, I’ll go down in history! Maybe they’ll even name the species after me!”

Dib’s preparations were interrupted as his bedroom window shattered and he was knocked down to the floor. Dib’s vision swam and his skin stung with cuts from the shards, but he still forced himself to look up at his intruder.

“ZIM FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, STOP DOING THAT! Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to clean this-”

His jaw dropped as his eyes landed on the very much NOT Irken figure before him. It was the same creature from the security footage. Now that Dib was looking at him face to face, he could see that there was an odd collar latched around his neck. His skin was clear, and he was glowing a faint green. The creature wasted no time as he grabbed Dib by the back of his shirt and pulled him off the ground.

“HEY, WHAT THE HECK!” Dib squirmed, desperate to break free. Despite his best efforts, he was tucked under the creatures arm, his own arms pinned to his side, legs left dangling down. “God, how tall are you?!” Dib cried, kicking furiously. He was only 14 years old, but he was still a decent 5 foot 8”, and still growing by the day. The fact he was cleanly off the ground was shocking.

The creature took no notice to Dib’s struggling, instead taking a swing from the bottle in his other hand. “Fuuuuuuuuuuuck YEAH!” He cried, raising the bottle up in the air in triumph. “I’m de best goddamn merc EVER!” He downed the rest of the bottle and smashed it to the ground. “Pffffft, and they sssssssaid catcccccching thisssssss guy would be hard.” He staggered slightly but still maintained his iron grip on Dib.

Static burst out from the collar on his neck, interrupting the creature’s celebration.

“HEY MORON, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” The voice of Purple cried, very clearly infuriated.

The creature looked down, slightly confused at the source of the voice. “Oh shhhhhhh- HEY BOSS!” He hoisted Dib up in the air above his head, the teenager still struggling to break free. “I GOT ‘IM! Where are my sssssnacks?”

The sound of Red face-palming made its way through the collar. “That is not your target, moron. THAT is a human with a freakishly large head!”

Dib stopped struggling and looked back at the collar. “HEY! My head’s not that big!”

“Human?” the creature asked, “But there was a laser fence thing outside. Ain’t lasers an Irken thing?”

“Quit messing around and get to the good part already! We’ve been waiting for too long!” Purple cried, completely ignoring Dib’s comment.

The creature began glowing bright pink in embarrassment. “Awwww, sssssssshiiiiit. I can’t lose those snacks!” He chucked Dib against the wall, causing him to land on some of the broken glass on the floor. “Ssssssorry, my dude, I’ve got me a mission.” He held his hand over his chest and looked up slightly at the ceiling. “I’ve got snacks to get.” 

With those final words he leapt out the window with all the grace of an elephant on roller skates, somehow breaking it more than before.

Dib tried to chase after it, but his arms and legs stung from the glass. “Shit,” Dib muttered as he took a moment to assess the damage. The cuts were minor, but made moving difficult and would need to be covered before anything else.

“SON, WHAT WAS THAT!?” Professor Membrane called out, “YOU BETTER NOT BE RAISING THE DEAD AGAIN!”

“THAT WAS YEARS AGO, DAD, LET IT GO ALREADY! I SAID I WAS SORRY!”

“IF ZIM BUSTED THROUGH THE WINDOW AGAIN TELL HIM TO USE THE DOOR NEXT TIME!” Gaz cried from the couch. “I’M TRYING TO WATCH TV!”

“THAT’S NOT WHA-”

“NOW, SON,” Professor Membrane shouted. “I’M HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOUR LITTLE FORGIEN FRIEND, BUT PLEASE INFORM HIM THE DOOR IS A MORE EFFICIENT METHOD OF ENTERING A HOME!”

Dib pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. He picked himself off the floor and brushed himself off. This was going to be a long night.

~

Zim was down in his lab, tapping away at his computer system. He was running more tests on the stick of deodorant he had stolen from Dib’s room.

“Stoopid primitive dirt monkeys! What kind of backwards species makes their cloaking devices out of chemical components?!” Zim cried out, banging his fist on the console. 

**“Ow! Hey, watch it!”** The computer cried out, **“I bruise easily!”**

Zim pointed a gloved claw at the ceiling. “LIAR! You’re a machine! You can’t bruise! You can’t even feel anything!”

**“Let me dream for once,”** The computer muttered.

“WHY CAN’T YOU JUST-” 

Zim was cut off by a sudden alarm, the lights in the lab flashing red. 

“EH?!” He said looking around. “What’s going on?! Has one of my amazing experiments broken free from containment?! GRRRR, I told GIR not to play with them!”

**“There is currently an intruder, Sir,”** The computer stated, **“The infiltrator has entered the front yard and is attempting to enter the base.”**

Zim balled his fists at his sides and grit his teeth. “Dib must be trying to get his cloaking device back!” He waved his hand and marched back toward the controls. He tapped a few buttons and pulled up the security footage of the living room.

Much to Zim’s shock, a creature jumped through an open window into the base, landing face first on the floor.

**“Yeah, so, that’s not Dib,”** the computer said, trying not to laugh at the pathetic break in, **“That’s a Lampitrain… and an extremely intoxicated one at that.”**

“WHAT?!” Zim cried, leaning toward the screen. “How did one of those drunk idiots get on Urth?! Their planet is light years away! And what was that window even doing open?!”

The Lamptarian got up off the floor and stormed over to the window. He carefully closed it, and then promptly punched it, sending glass shards flying into the floor.

“Have GIR handle him,” Zim said facepalming, turning off the security feed. “These tests are important and I can’t leave them-” Zim flinched slightly at what sounded like the couch being snapped in half followed by GIR’s crazy laughter trailed its way down into the lab.

**“... Yeah, something tells me that GIR isn’t really going to help the situation much.”**

Zim’s antenna popped up. “FINE! I’ll make that pathetic Lamptrian regret setting foot on Urth! This planet belongs to Zim!” Zim marched his way to the elevator, his fists balled at his sides and a scowl casting over his face. “COMPUTER!” He barked as the elevator door closed around him. “Continue to run tests on the primitive cloaking device! I will NOT have this intrusion interrupt my plans!”

**“Yeah, sure, whatever,”** the computer sighed in response.

~

Zim wasn’t fully sure what to expect when he arrived in the living room, but the scene was shocking. The room looked like a tornado had ripped through it. There was the window that the Lamptarian had punched, the wallpaper was torn, and the carpet was in shreds. The couch was nothing more than a pile of wood shavings and fuzz and the TV was full of static. In the center of the room was the Lamptarian, engaged in a furious battle with the lamp that normally sat next to the couch. He actually had the lamp in a semi-decent choke hold, and would have been extremely effective if the lamp had any respiratory system to speak of. Shockingly, GIR was NOT contributing to the further destruction of the living room. He was instead sitting on what remained of the couch, happily munching on unpopped popcorn kernels. He glanced up at Zim and gave a small wave.

“Hi, Master!” He pointed to the lamptarian with a grin. “LOOK! WE GOT 3D FIGHT SHOWS NOW!” He turned back to the fight and happily threw another handful of kernels into his mouth.

The Lamptarian didn’t bother to look up at Zim, his color shifting from yellow to red with his growing rage. “Welllllllllll buddy, you’ve put up one helllllll of a fight. But you’re not ressssiting arrest anymore! _HYAHH!”_

The Lamptarian began furiously karate chopping the neck of the lamp, barely making a dent in the metal.

Zim’s antenna twitched against his skull, and stomped his foot on the ground. “GIR! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!? There is an intruder INSIDE THE BASE!”

“Awwww, but Master the fight was just gettin’ good!” GIR cried, flopping onto his side. “Can I do it during the commercial?”

The Lamptarian finally looked up at Zim, his color shifting back to yellow. “Get back, man!” He cried holding his arm up. “Thisssss Irken is putting up one hell of a fight!”

Zim’s jaw fell open. “Are you…. You incompeitent sack of squak! THAT’S NOT EVEN AN IRKEN!”

The Lamptarian looked back and forth between the lamp underneath him and Zim, turning bright pink in embarrassment. “Ohhhhhhh shhhhhhhit.” He glanced around the room in confusion. “So … where is my target?”

Zim didn’t bother responding, instead lunging straight toward the unwanted house guest. The Lamptarian barely managed to dodge out of the way, stumbling backward off the lamp.

“Hey, what the heck man?!” He cried out in shock. “I’m just doing my--” 

Zim hovered over the intruder, PAK legs fully extended, suspending the Irken over the unwanted intruder like a spider over its prey. The Lamptarian began to shake in fear, the goo inside of him shifting to a dark purple.

“... OH SHIT!”

Zim’s PAK legs began to strike the ground, furiously stabbing away as the Lamptarian struggled to dodge the attack in time.

“First you have the audacity to land on MY PLANET?!” Zim cried as the Lamptarian staggered off the floor and ducked behind the couch pile. “But THEN!” Zim screamed, pulling out his PAK lasers. “THEN, you have the nerve to destroy my base?!”

Zim blasted the couch pile away, launching GIR across the room and leaving the Lamptarian to stagger back against the wall. He tried to dash off to the side, but Zim leapt forward. Using his PAK legs, he created a small makeshift cage, trapping the Lamparian against the wall. Zim pulled out a second laser, bringing both up to the trembling intruders face.

“Any last words, you pathetic bottle of waste?”

The Lamptarian cried out, tears streaming down his face. “FUCK THIS SHIT! THE IRKEN SNACKS AREN’T WORTH IT!”

The Lamptarian smacked the small green button on the side of his collar, his body engulfed in white light. He flashed away right as Zim fired his lasers.

“YAHOO!” GIR cried jumping up with glee, happily clapping his hands together. “LET’S DO DAT AGAIN!”

Zim winced at the fresh burns on the wall. He retracted his PAK legs and ran over the mark with a gloved claw, struggling to process what had just happened.

GIR stared in awe at the burn. “YAY! HE ESPLODED!”

“... why come all this way to raid my base for snacks?” Zim muttered to himself, “Foodcourtia would have been much closer to his home planet.” Zim glanced around the room, sighing at the massive amount of damage. “GREAT! Now I’m going to have to clean all of this up! But first!” He cried, pointing up to the ceiling. “I need to report to my Tallest! They’ll be overjoyed to hear of my victory over this lowly intruder! COMPUTER!”

**“Yeah, yeah, I heard you.”** The computer groaned, the static on the TV unchanging. **“Now calling the Tallest.”**

Zim tapped his foot impatiently, scowling at how long the call was taking to connect and growing annoyed at the sound of the static. “Can’t you go any faster?!”

The computer let out a long, deep beep. **“Transmission failed,”** he deadpanned.

“WHAT?!” Zim cried, glancing angrily at the TV screen.

**“Hold on, let me try something.”** The static faded, only to be replaced with a large frowny face. **“Okay, well, that fixed the static, at least. That buzzing was getting on my nerves.”**

“Try again then! I will not keep my Tallest waiting!”

The computer fell silent for a moment, then blasted out the beep again. **“Yeah… still nothing. The signal keeps getting rejected.”**

Zim yanked down on his antenna. “UUUUUUUGH! Curse that filthy Lamptarian! He must have broken the communication system when he broke into the base!” Zim cursed in Irken, smoothing his antenna against his skull. “COMPUTER! Run a diagnostics check on the system!”

**“Sir, I don’t think that’s necessary; there isn’t--”**

“Actually, run a system check on the whole base!” Zim cried, completely ignoring the computer. “Who knows what else that filthy creature could have gotten into.”

**“Sir, there isn’t anything wrong with the --”**

“GIR!” Zim screamed, once again ignoring the computer. “Get over here and help clean up this mess! It’s your fault the intruder got in here in the first place! You’re SUPPOSED to defend the base from intruders, not invite them inside to attack the furniture!”

GIR flopped on the ground in front of the newly restored TV. “Awwwww, but my favorite show is on....”

“NOW, GIR! You can watch TV later.” Zim waved the little robot off and walked over the charred remains of the couch. Zim ran a hand over his antenna. “It’s going to take me all night to repair this place… not to mention the repairs to the communications system. But no matter, I AM ZIM! This is nothing more than a simple bump in my plan to take over this filthy planet! For now, I’ll just… record my messages for the Tallest!” He placed his hands on his hips and nodded. “Yes, that should suffice for the time being!”

Zim wasted no time getting to work, quickly starting the self repair commands for the rest of the base. He was unable to shake off the uneasy feeling that fell into the pit of his chest.

“It was just a break in.” He told himself, pulling out a tool from his PAK. “Nothing more than that…”

~

Hurk landed on the floor of the Massive with a thud. He gasped for air, still shaking from fear.

“... well, that was pathetic.” Red said, crossing his arms. “For a second there I actually thought he was going to kill you.”

Purple nodded as he munched on a bag of chips. “Yeah, you were supposed to kill him!

What happened to that part of the plan?!””

Hurk turned to face Red and Purple, his color shifting to dark red as he filled with rage. “T-the pla- ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!” He staggered off the floor and stumbled his way over to Red and Purple. “That little shit almost fucking KILLED ME!”

Purple grabbed another handful of chips and shoved them into his mouth. “.... So?”

“THAT WASN’T IN THE FUCKING JOB DESCRIPTION, MAN!”

Red stared at the Lamptariant confused. “... It was a target elimination mission. We specifically put in the flyer we wanted the target eliminated! What the heck were you expecting?”

Hurk staggered as he threw his arms in the arm. “The fucking reward was a two month supply of snacks! I didn’t think the fucker would fight back like that!” He rubbed at his face and staggered his way off the ship, his color fading back to a pale orange. “Fuck this man… I need a damn drink.”

Red rubbed at the back of his neck. “... Maybe he’s got a point. Zim is kind of a big threat.”

Purple waved his hand dismissively. “NAH! It’s fine.” He threw the now empty bag of chips over his shoulder and shrugged. “Come on, I’m sure one of them is bound to kill him. Let’s keep watching!”

Red shrugged and turned to the technicians in the room. “Alright, bring in the next contender!” 

Purple snorted. “Okay, he was pathetic, but his battle with the sliding door, though.”

Red burst out a laugh, “Oh, and his struggle with the lamp was hilarious.”

The two belted out laughing. A brave Navigator cleared her throat. “Sirs, the next mercenary has arrived.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! We finally got to the part were the main characters of the show come in! 
> 
> If you want updates on the story or just to ask us stuff we have a Tumblr page! Star-and-Sage.tumblr.com
> 
> Thank you all so much for checking out the first chapter!


	3. Another One Gets the Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first mercenary was a bust, so time to send more in until something happens.

Despite Zim’s best efforts and pulling an all-nighter on the communications system, he was unable to re-establish contact with the Massive by Monday morning.

“This… this is fine!” Zim said with a clap of his hands. “The ship is probably just too far in space to make the call! I’m sure they’ll call me back as soon as they regain signal. They said they would call after all!”

GIR popped out between the couch cushions, two pennies stuck over his eyes. “NO THEY DIDN’T!” He cried with joy, diving back into the couch.

Zim glared daggers at GIR, but said nothing in response. He put on his disguise with a sigh and marched his way to Skool. With or without a functioning communications system, he still had a mission to complete.

Monday dragged on like any normal start of the week at skool; weekend projects turned in, teachers droned on about their assigned subjects, and the history teacher was hung over. 

On Tuesday, Zim was in ninth period, meaning Biology. He was droning on about the wonders of the human stomach, terrifying half the class while the others were trying not to die from boredom. As he droned on, a large, purple sheep creature slammed against the window.

“OH, COME ON!” the creature cried, as she slowly began to slide down the glass. Zim leaned forward and noticed that she was wearing a similar collar to the Lampitarian. “How did that not work!? I did not spend the past day running around just to - AHHHHHH!”

The creature slid off the glass and began to plummet down the side of the building, vanishing before she could hit the ground. None of the students seemed to care, and the teacher hadn’t even bothered to stop his lecture. Dib was the only one who seemed irritated, and looked around at the others in frustration.

“.... Okay, is no one going to comment on what the hell just happened?!” Dib asked, gesturing wildly toward the window.

The teacher sighed at Dib, finally stopping his lecture. “If we stopped class everytime a bird hit the window and died we wouldn’t get anything done… Now if anyone wants extra credit, go get the body. We can examine it in class tomorrow.”

“A bird - OH, COME ON! In what way did that thing look like a bird?!”

He pointed a finger at Dib. “If you don’t shut up and listen you’ll have to go get that body with no extra credit. Do I make myself clear?”

Dib hung his head and slumped down in his seat. “Yes, Sir.”

The teacher clapped his hands together. “Fantastic! Now,” he said, picking up a shovel, “who wants extra credit?”

~

“WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!?” Purple cried, sitting up from the couch he and Red were sitting on. He threw his soda at the sheep creature as she re-appeared on the Massive, thoroughly soaking her. 

She brushed herself off, then put her hands on her hips. “Oh, well, I’m sorry but THAT’S A FUCKING BIG SPHERE!” She looked down to the floor. “It’s not my fault it looked smaller in the pictures.”

Red’s head fell into his left hand with a sigh. With his other hand he snapped his fingers. “NEXT!”

Two technicians grabbed the sheep creature by the arms and dragged her away. Without hesitation a third technician slapped a collar on the next mercenary, and shoved him into place. He was a lean shadow creature, emitting a light-colored smoke from his shoulders and had yellow eyes. 

“Now remember,” Red said with a sigh, the large screen flashing up a picture of Dib and a disguised Zim. “THIS,” He pointed to the picture of Zim, “Is your target. While THAT,” he pointed to the picture of Dib, “Is a human. You are not. Targeting. The human.”

The mercenary looked at the two pictures and then back at Red with a befuddled look. “... Did that really need to be clarified?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Red muttered, leaning back into the couch.

“Sending off attempt number three!” The technician cried, hitting the final command on her tablet and sending the mercenary off.

Purple grabbed a new soda and leaned back into the couch. “Okay, here we go!”

The large screen on deck soon filled with footage from the mercenary’s collar camera. He was standing in front of the Middle Skool, Zim clearly visible in a second floor window. Zim was so clear in the shot, the Tallest could see him twitch, twisting his head to distract from his wig shifting, and his strange eye-coverings move to show that Zim was looking outside. 

“Oooh, man.” Red said with a smirk happily taking a sip of a slushie. “Zim’s in for it now.”

The mercenary took two steps, and promptly fell to the ground. He gagged and coughed like he was drowning.

Purple grabbed a nearby remote and hit a button, activating the communicator on the collar. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” He cried. “YOU’RE RIGHT THERE! JUST GET HIM!”

The mercenary continued to gag, slamming the green button and flashing back onto the deck.

Red began to stammer. “What- WHAT WAS THAT?! You were only there for 15 seconds!”

The mercenary finally managed to stop coughing, stammering out an answer as he gasped for air.

“You… you didn’t… didn’t tell me… there was nitrogen on that planet!”

Red’s antenna popped up slightly in confusion. “... Why would we?”

“Nitrogen is toxic to my species!” The mercenary cried, getting up off the ground. He ripped the collar off his neck and stormed out of the room. “Forget this! I’m not going back onto that death trap of a planet!”

Red and Purple blinked in shock as the mercenary slammed the door shut behind him. The technicians wasted no time shoving the next mercenary in place. The young alien was a blue-tinged lumpy-skinned Clovaerian, only just beginning to grow its head tentacle. The poor boy was shaking in his boots as he warped away.

Purple crossed his arms with a huff. “This better be good. I’ve been waiting all day to see Zim destroyed and I don’t want to wait anymore!”

The mercenary staggered as he slowly inched his way toward the entrance of the school. The skool bell rang, and the students began to rush out of the doors. The mercenary panicked, jumping into a nearby bush.

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?!” Purple cried, spitting out a bit of his soda. “That’s not where Zim is!”

Red shrugged. “Maybe he’ll jump out for a sneak attack?”

The mercenary continued to cower in the bush, whimpering slightly as more students began to pass by. 

“Hey did you guys hear those weird sounds during ninth period?” One student asked. “It sounded like an air horn going off.”

“Oooooh, I heard that too.” Another responded. “Looks like Jeffrey is getting detention again.”

“God, Jeffery is almost as annoying as Dib,” A third whined, “Man, why can’t that kid do something to let us go home early?”

Some students circled around the yard, below the window the first mercenary hit. A small squirrel ran up in front of the mercenary, chewing quietly on an acorn. The mercenary burst out of the bush screaming bloody murder, tears flying down his face. He made it halfway down the street before slamming on the button and flashing back to the ship.

Red threw back his head and groaned as the mercenary ran out of the bridge crying. “Not again.”

“Oh, COME ON!” Purple cried, standing up from the couch and turning toward the few remaining candidates. “Can’t any of you idiots get this right?!”

The rest of the candidates mumbled under their breaths. A few slowly backed out of the room and booked it out the door. One candidate in the back, however, raised her webbed hand, furiously bouncing up and down.

“Me me me ME!” She cried, a wild smile spreading across her face. “I can do it! Send me in! I’ll rip him to pieces!”

The crowd parted to reveal a teenage Aquarian. She stood at roughly 5’6”, and was covered in blue-green scaly skin. Her hands were webbed, and her fingers ended in sharp claws. The sides of her face were donned with two large fins, and the gills on her neck flared with her heavy breathing from excitement. She had a large messenger bag over her shoulder, and she had on a very loose fitting sailor dress that was slightly ripped at the sleeves and the base of the skirt. 

“... And what exactly makes you qualified for this kid?” Red quipped, giving her a quick once over. “You seem a bit… young for this line of work.”

The Aquarian growled, flashing off rows of shiny white teeth. “HEY! Just because I’m not an old fart doesn’t mean I can’t get the job done!” She stormed up to Red and Purple, pulling out a stack of papers from her bag and slamming them into the arms of a nearby technician. “Check it out!” She bragged, placing a hand proudly over her chest. “I’ve got plenty of mercenary experience under my belt!”

The technician began to pool over the info, breaking into a smile that grew bigger with every turn of the page. “Sir, she isn’t kidding. Her record is quite impressive… especially for someone so young!”

The Aquarian placed her hands on her hips and grinned smugly at the technician. “You got that right. I’ve been going on missions since I could crawl!”

Purple rushed off the couch and grabbed her by the shoulders, shaking her with excitement. “So YOU can take out Zim?!”

“You betcha!” She replied with a grin. “I’ve got a whole strategy laid out and everything!”

Red leaned over Purple’s shoulder, his jaw slightly falling in shock. “You actually put thought into your strategy?!”

“YES, SIR!” The Aquarian said with a salute. She pulled out an even bigger stack of papers from her bag and slapped it onto a nearby table drone. “Wanna hear it?”

Red turned back to the crowd of potential mercenaries. “Okay, everyone OUT!” He said with a hand wave. “Unless someone can top this pitch in the next five seconds, you’re all fired!”

The crowd fell silent for a moment, then quickly filtered out of the room.

“Well… that’s pathetic.” Purple said bluntly. He turned wide-eyed back to the Aquarian. “Now, tell me how you’re going to destroy Zim! I want to hear all the details!”

“Yeah, kid,” Red smirked. “What exactly is your plan?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends the saga of the three misfit mercenaries. Welp, you tried guys. Hopefully the next one manages to throw a punch.
> 
> Fun fact: the third one is based off of Dib's alien disguise in Issue #9 of the comics!


	4. Truce or Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first competent mercenary arrives on Earth, and Zim is faced with his hardest decision yet. Potentially dying... or asking Dib for help

It had been three days since the three different creatures tried to attack Zim while he was at skool. While all of them were pathetic, especially the one who was defeated by a squirrel, the fact they all had the same collar as the Lamptarian sent him on edge. By all accounts it had been a fairly normal day. Students were abuzz with excitement about the coming weekend as Miss. Bitters droned on about how some human named Odessyus should have just given up on getting home and died in the ocean. Torque Smacky hit a kid in the face with a dodgeball so hard the nurse had to be called in (much to Zim’s dismay, that kid was not Dib). She had simply slapped a band-aid on his forehead and called it a day. All and all, it was a fairly normal Friday. 

“It just doesn’t make sense,” Zim muttered under his breath, “Where are all these attackers coming from? And why have they just stopped?”

Zim was technically supposed to be paying attention to the biology lesson currently going on, but he was too busy trying to sort out the whole situation.

The final bell rang, pulling Zim from his thoughts. “Stoopid intruders!” he spat. “Taking up all my thoughts with their annoying attacks. They’ve caused me to miss vital human weakness confessions!”

He shook his head and filtered out of the classroom with the rest of the students. Zim was thankful that there wasn’t skool again for the next few days, he needed the extra time to think of a plan.

“Just what are you plotting now, Zim?!”

Zim turned and looked up at Dib.  _ The dirt-monkey is getting so tall. Curse him.  _ “EH?”

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed what the hell’s been going on!” Dib cried, jabbing his finger into Zim’s chest. “On Tuesday, there were THREE different aliens that showed up at school!”

“What makes you think those idiots were associated with the amazingness of Zim?!”

Dib dug around in his bag and pulled out security footage pictures of the creatures. “They all had the same weird collar around their necks! And they were all moving toward you! Clearly you had to be mind controlling them or something!” 

Zim tilted his head at the picture, noticing the odd angle of the shot. “Did you hack the school’s security camera system to get that picture?”

“NOT IMPORTANT!” Dib cried, flustered. “The point is they all have the same collar around their necks! The same collar-” he pulled his phone and played the security footage of the Lamptarian “battling” the sliding glass door, “that this thing had! You had him break into my room on Sunday!” He tucked his phone away again, leaning down to jab Zim in the chest once more. “I’m onto you, spaceboy.”

A few of the remaining students paid no mind to the screaming match that was currently going on in the halls. They had long since gone numb to the constant fights and were more focused on getting their weekends started.

“GET A ROOM ALREADY!” one student cried as he walked toward the door.

“SHUT UP, THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS!” Dib sputtered, face flushing bright red.

“Sure, sure!” the kid called back, blowing a mocking kiss his way, sending it by flipping Dib off.

Zim was too shocked to care about what the student had just said. “... the Lamptarian was in your base?!”

Dib turned back to Zim, embarrassment fading to confusion. “Wait, you didn’t know that? He busted into my house because of dad’s electric fence in the yard. He thought it was the defense lasers of an Irken base.”

Zim clenched his fists. “HOW DARE HE! You are Zim’s rival! No one else can destroy you except Zim! It’s my right!”

“Oh, like that’s ever going to happen! I’ll expose you to the world and - OW!”

The screaming match was interrupted by Gaz swiftly punching Dib in the shoulder.

“What the hell, Gaz?!” Dib cried, rubbing at his arm. “Wait, what the heck are you doing up here? This is where the middle school classes are.”

Gaz cocked an eyebrow at her brother. “It’s family night, moron. We’re SUPPOSED to be on our way to Bloaties to meet up with dad for dinner.”

Dib groaned. “Oh, are you serious?”

Gaz punched Dib in the stomach to get eye level with Dib, shooting him a glare. “Listen up, stupid. We get one of these a month. You better not mess this up for me with one of your dumb fights with Zim or a paranormal goose chase.”

“Hey, the mutant goose was a one time - OOOOF!” Gaz cut Dib off with another punch to the stomach. “Okay, OKAY! I’m coming!” Dib slung his bag over his shoulder and made his way to the exit. “Don’t think this is over Zim! I WILL stop you!”

Zim threw his head back in laughter. “Zim looks forward to your FAILURE, Dib-stink!”

~

Zim marched his way down the street toward his base, pulling out a small communicator from his PAK.

“GIR!” Zim barked into the device. “Prepare the labs for my return! But NO TOUCHING THE HYPNO SQUIRRELS!” Zim rubbed at his forehead in frustration. “I do NOT need to spend the next three weeks removing acorns from the air ducts. Do you understand?!”

“Yes, SIR!” GIR’s voice cried back. “I’m gonna go make ‘em biscuits!”

Zim facepalmed. “GIR, what did I just say?!”

A nearby manhole cover began to shake violently, causing Zim to stop in confusion. He hung up the communicator, placing it back into his PAK and crept over to get a closer look. He was struck in the face by the cover as a figure burst out of the ground with a fist raised in the air. Zim collided with a fire hydrant, the impact causing water to spew out of the sides, drenching the area in water and soaking Zim.

Zim shoved the manhole cover off his chest and tried to shake the water off.  _ Good thing I remembered the paste coat this morning. _

The figure landed super hero style in front of Zim. “Got you now.” She said, grinning widely, causing her sharp teeth shining in the light of the sun. 

Zim’s eyes popped open in shock at the sight of the Aquarian in front of him. His eyes gravitated toward the collar on her neck. “What are you doing here, you scum?”

The Aquarian rose off the ground, cracking her knuckles. “I’m a mercenary; there’s a bounty on your head.” She cracked her neck and looked Zim in the eye, her grin never fading. “Let’s just say killing you will make my reputation skyrocket.”

“And who exactly is foolish enough to put a bounty on Irk’s greatest invader?!”

“Sorry, short stack,” the Aquarian said with a smirk. “That’s not info you --”

“Who?!” Zim cried, completely ignoring the Aquarian.

The Aquarian blinked, her grin falling. “... dude I’m not --”

“WHOOOOOO?!”

“If you would shut it --”

“WHO IS IT?!”

The Aquarian gritted her teeth. “Will. You. SHUT IT!?” she cried. She shot scalding water from her mouth, completely soaking Zim’s right arm.

Zim scoffed at the attack. “HA! Nice try worm-brain! But Zim’s brilliance developed a defense against Urth’s filthy fluid-  _ AAAAAAAAH _ !”

Zim fell to his knees as the water ate away at his skin. The hot water had caused the paste shield to melt away, it’s protection gone and leaving Zim vulnerable.

The Aquarian smirked, wiping a stray droplet of water off her mouth with her thumb. “Please, you think I’m some kind of amateur or something? I know all about your little paste baths, bug-boy.” She fired a second stream of water at Zim’s arm again, her grin growing as he cried out.

“H-how?” Zim stuttered, clutching his injured arm. “How did you know that?!”

The Aquarian shrugged. “Let’s just say… my employer has a literal ton of information about you.” She began to list them off on her fingers. “What you looked like, your disguises,” She grinned wildly at Zim, “Your weaknesses and the feeble ways you try to hide them.”

Zim tensed and tightened his grip on his injured limb. “Don’t think that means you’ve beaten me.” He growled. “Zim will still destroy you!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” The Aquarian dismissed with a wave of her hand. “Sure you could, short-stack.” She cracked her neck once more and crouched down slightly. “Now do me a favor and hold still. If you try running, you’ll just die tired.”

Acting swiftly and primarily on instinct, he grabbed a large clump of dirt with his good arm. He chucked it straight at the Aquarian’s face. She staggered back in pain, mud stinging her eyes and causing her to choke. Zim took advantage of the opening, deploying his jet boosters and flew down the street, making a desperate beeline for his base.

~

Zim rounded the street corner, arriving at the cul-de-sac where his base was. He quickly glanced around, happily smirking when he saw she was nowhere in sight.

“HA! Take that you pathetic, half-evolved tad-pole!” He shouted over his shoulder as he dashed to his base. “Zim is victorious!”

A manhole cover at the center of the cul-de-sac flew into the air. The Aquarian shot up out of the now open hole, dripping wet from the water and now sporting a tail where her legs used to be. Without hesitation, she fired several streams of boiling water, shorting out the boosters and scorching Zim’s left leg. 

“GAAAAAHHHH!” Zim cried out as he tumbled onto the pavement.

The Aquarian smirked, allowing gravity to drop her straight back down into the manhole cover. 

Zim winced in pain, struggling to regain balance as his PAK legs lifted him off the ground. “D-don’t… don’t think you’ve won you… you smelly!” Zim hissed, trying desperately to hide his pain. “Pathetic Urth water isn’t enough to stop Zim! Zim shall- AAAAGGGGHHHH!”

Zim’s taunts were cut short by a stream of water striking him on the back of the neck. Zim whipped around, noticing a large storm drain in the street. 

Through the metal bars the Aquarian smirked. “TAKE THAT, SHORT STACK!” She cried. With a hardy laugh, she dove into the drainage system below, lying in wait for Zim’s next move.

Zim’s spooch dropped as his eyes scanned the street. There were dozens of storm drains and manhole covers that laced the cul-de-sac.

“Why do humans need so many of these stoopid things?!” Zim cried out. The danger of his situation hit Zim like a ton of bricks. There was no feasible way he could get to his base, not while the Aquarian had eyes on him and was waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Using his PAK legs, he leapt onto the roof of one of the nearby houses.

“Don’t think you’ve won just yet!” Zim growled. “You’ve fallen right into Zim’s brilliant plan!”

The Aquarian simply responded by firing a stream of water at Zim’s face, laughing as he cried out.

Zim swallowed back his pain, and quickly began his tactical retreat. 

~

Zim collapsed against an air exhaust, panting as he evaluated his situation. He had been jumping from rooftop to rooftop for the past hour. He had managed to put some distance between him and the Aquarian, but it hadn't been easy.

“Stoopid Aquarian,” He winced, tracing the various scorch marks across his body. “Curse her, and her stoopid echolocation, and the stupid human storm drain system. How was I supposed to know that spanned the entire city!?” Zim stood up and kicked the exhaust pipe. “GAHHH, I am ZIM! Irk’s finest invader for Tallest sake! This is simple! I just have to think of a way to throw her off and then I shall have the advantage!” He lifted his fists in the air. “Yes! Then victory for Zim!”

“BUT MOMMY, I WANTED TO SEE BLOATY!”

Zim ran to the edge of the rooftop, glancing down at the source of the sound. There was a young woman yanking on the arm of a small boy, who was currently throwing a tantrum in front of a nearby window.

“Billy for the last time, we are not going in there!”

Zim recognized the building as Bloaty’s Pizza Hog, shuttering at the thought of what was inside. “UGH, disgusting human restaurant! That building is full of nothing but filthy food of grease and HORRIFYING --!”

Zim’s eyes grew wide as he caught sight of Dib in the window, sitting in a booth with the rest of his family.

“GRRR, of course the Dib would be here! Stupid, disgusting human, just going to make my plans more diffiuclt…” Zim’s voice trailed off as a thought popped into his mind. “The Dib is human… humans are immune to Urth’s filthy water… then that would mean that Dib wouldn’t be affected by the Aquarian’s attacks.” He shook his head. “NO! I am no smeet, I am Zim! I would never stoop so low as to ask my most hated rival for - ARRRG!”

The Aquarian had finally tracked Zim down, managing to soak the side of the head from the ground.

Zim growled. Dib may be his most hated rival, but he was also Zim’s best chance at getting rid of this nuisance once and for all. Without further hesitation, he leapt onto the roof of Bloaty’s, and busted his way into the air vent.

~

Zim landed directly into the kitchen, right on top of an industrial can of “tomato flavored sauce”. He groaned as he picked himself off the floor, doing his best not to gag at the overwhelming smell of grease and cheese. A young employee grabbed a pickaxe off the wall and placed a hand over the industrial freezer door, freezing in place as his eyes landed on Zim.

“What the?” The teenager stuttered, glancing around the room. “Look kid, I’m very sorry,” he said with more sarcasm than empathy, “but Mister Bloaty doesn’t make the pizza’s back here. Not after… the incident.” He shook his head and ushered Zim out into the dinning room. “Now run along back to your family, I’m not paid enough to babysit you.”

Zim scanned the room as the teenager shuffled his way back into the kitchen. The irken quickly found Dib sitting uncomfortably at a table with Gaz and his father. Neither one seemed to be paying much attention to Dib, or each other either. Gaz was tapping away at her Game Slave 4, while Professor Membrane was focused on a small tablet screen, screaming at someone about stabilizing some energy levels. Dib merely stared down at his food, making a small face in disgust as the slice he picked up dripped with grease.

Zim marched over to Dib with a smirk, enjoying the sight of Dib’s discomfort. “Hello, Dib-stink.”

Dib jerked, turning to Zim in shock. “Zim?! What are you doing here?!”

Professor Membrane finally looked up from his tablet, head turning between Dib and Zim. “Son!” He cried in excitement. “You didn’t tell me you invited your little green friend! Had I known I would have ordered extra pizza!”

“Dad, for the last time, ZIM IS NOT MY FRIEND!” Dib cried, rising from his seat in the booth. “He’s been trying to enslave the entire planet for almost three years!”

Professor Membrane sighed. “Now son, what did we say about talking about insane things during family dinner?”

Dib slumped back down, crossing his arms in defeat. “Fine.” He muttered, looking off to the side. “You wouldn’t believe me anyway.” He turned his focus back to Zim. “So what do you want? Here to gloat about your next great… plan... “ Dib’s voice trailed off as he took a good look at Zim. The Irken was covered in burn marks, his usually pristine uniform was now torn and crumpled. His wig was slightly askew, and the fake hair was frizzy and unkept. Dib scooted his way past Gaz to get a closer look, noticing more and more burns as he got closer. “Jesus Christ, what the heck happened to you?”

Zim suddenly felt exposed as Dib’s eyes began to probe him. A few of the surrounding diners began to stare. His blood ran cold as he heard them begin to whisper about his odd appearance. He grabbed Dib’s arm and yanked him into the restrooms, desperate to escape the scene. Zim chucked Dib against the tiled walls, slamming the door shut behind him, letting out a small sigh of relief.

Dib hit the floor with a thud “OW- What the heck is wrong with you?!” he cried, rubbing at the back of his skull. “This is bizarre even for you!”

“SILENCE, INSOLUTE FOOL BOY!” Zim screamed, pointing a finger at Dib. “And now feel honored, as Zim has come to you with an offer.”

Dib cocked an eyebrow. “... What kind of offer?”

“Zim must reque- errrr, DEMANDS that you aid Zim in taking down a foe!” Zim cried, placing his hands on his hips. “Feel honored, pathetic worm child, you have been granted the right to be Zim’s meat slave.”

“... This is a joke right?” Dib stammered, shocked. “You’re asking ME, the one person on this planet that has tried to expose you for the past TWO YEARS, for help?!”

Zim signed, throwing his head back in frustration. “Have your noise holes malfunctioned? Yes, Dib-worm. Feel honored to offer your services as “meat shield” to the greatest invader Irk has to offer.”

Dib blinked in shock as Zim’s words fully sunk in. “... meat… shield.” Dib shook his head and jump to his feet. “NO! What the heck makes you think I’ll even consider trusting you?! Hell, this is probably another one of your plans to take me down so you can take over the Earth!”

Zim pointed angrily at Dib. “SILENCE! DO NOT DISOBEY ZIM, DIRT BRAIN!” He cried in rage. “Zim does not offer this opportunity to lightly, Dib-stink.”

Dib rolled his eyes. “Suuuuure you don’t, space-boy.” He crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow. “So why exactly are you asking for my help then?”

“You see, pathetic meat child, there is a--”

The toilet in one of the stalls began to violently shake, cutting off Zim. Dib and Zim turned in shock as water began to pour out onto the floor.

“Aww, gross.” Dib groaned, covering his nose from the smell. “Zim, I swear to god if this is part of a ploy I’m going to --”

The toilet shattered, causing water to spray everywhere and causing Zim to cry out in pain. The Aquarian burst out from the destroyed seat. She slammed her head on the ceiling, crashing to the ground with a thud.

“Owowowow.” She muttered, cradling her head as she rolled on the floor. “Okay, maybe the bad-ass entrance wasn’t the best plan there.” she cracked open her eyes, noticing Zim. “AH-HA!” She cried, struggling to fully face him. Her tail was still present due to all the water, forcing her to flop on the ground. “FINALLY GOT YOU, YOU LITTLE URCHIN!”

Unfazed by the lack of her legs, she fired a stream of water at Zim. Reacting on instinct, Zim ducked behind Dib, causing the poor confused human to get soaked from head to toe.

“WHAT THE HELL?!” Dib cried, holding up his arms to protect against the oncoming water.

Zim didn’t bother to respond, instead he grabbed Dib by his shirt and dragged him out of the bathroom.

“You can run, but you won’t get away from me!” The Aquarian cried, flopping as she tried to regain her legs. “... come on, shed, damn it.” She muttered, doing her best to shimmy over to the door.

Zim slammed the bathroom door shut behind him, panting heavy from both pain and panic. He grabbed a nearby mop and shoved it through the door handle, creating a makeshift barricade.

“W-what, WHAT WAS THAT?!” Dib cried as Zim dragged him behind a nearby booth.

“THAT, is a mercenary who has been hired to eliminate Zim!”

“WHAT?! Dib turned to Zim shocked. “Hang on… if that mercenary is here to destroy you, what the hell makes you think I’ll help you now?”

Zim pondered for a moment, when a brilliant thought popped into his head. “You’re right, Dib stink, it would be all too easy for you to just let the mercenary defeat me. But then you would forever live with the shame of having never defeated Zim.” Zim glanced over at Dib, who had a smug grin on his face. “...Not to mention you could never properly expose me to your pathetic Urth authorities should the mercenary succeed.”

Dib’s smile quickly fell. “Okay… starting to see why you came to me…”

The bathroom door was ripped off its hinges, revealing the Aquarian, now sporting her legs. She tossed the door aside, and began to storm through the main dining room. 

Dib watched the mercenary in shock, slowly ducking back down. “... Please tell me you have a plan to take that thing out.”

“Errrr,” Zim’s eyes flew open in horror, realizing he had absolutely no plan beyond this point. “... Well, clearly Zim does!” he cried unconvincingly. “And the plan is flawless, for I am ZIM!”

“... you have no plan whatsoever, do you?” Dib sighed, kicking himself for expecting anything else.

“LIES!”

The Aquarian’s head turned to the source of Zim’s cry. She leapt onto a nearby table, confusing a small family that was sitting there. She crouched, listening for any hints of Zim’s location. One of the animatronics rolled up to her, causing her to stop in bewilderment.

“H-hey there CHILD NAME!” The robot stammered. “Mr. Bloaty heard it was a special day, so you know what that means! It’s time for your special birthday song!”

The animatronic let out a loud whine, it’s music player having seen better days. The Aquarian rushed to cover her ears, wincing at the pain it caused. She fired a single shot of boiling water, knocking the robots head clean off. The family watched in shock as the head rolled across the floor.

“... well, hot dang!” The father finally said after a long silence. “This new stage show is GREAT!”

Dib popped up from behind the booth, throwing his arms out in frustration. “Oh, ARE YOU SERIOUS?! HOW IS THAT A NORMAL STAGE SHOW?!”

The Aquarain lept from the table and to the booth Dib and Zim were hiding behind, shattering it upon impact. “FINALLY FOUND YOU!”

Dib and Zim dashed through the dining hall, doing their best to avoid the boiling streams of water. 

“Where the heck is she even keeping all this water?!” Dib cried, ducking behind an arcade cabinet.

“In her water sack, you fool!” Zim cried, ducking down beside him. “This is what Aquarians do! Do you have the brain worms?!”

“Hey, it’s not my fault I don’t know every type of alien in the universe!” Dib retorted.

The Aquarain threw a large table at their hiding spot, causing sparks to fly out and a small fire. This caused the restaurant to explode into a chaotic mess of children screaming, parents threatening to leave bad reviews, and employees scrambling to get things under control. During this madness, Dib and Zim escaped into the kitchen, desperate to catch their breaths.

“Stupid… stinky… hooman.” Zim gasped, wincing at the fresh injuries on his side.

“Hey, cut me some slack!” Dib growled. “It’s not my fault she has a massive internal reserve of water and the strength of a bear!”

The freezer door opened, revealing the young employee. He tossed aside his pickaxe, carefully holding a small box covered in frost.

“... Oh, for the love of--” He sighed, plopping the box on the counter. “I thought I told you kid, you can’t-- you know what?” He moaned, grabbing a crowbar from a drawer. “I don’t get paid enough to care, do what you want.” 

Dib tilted his head in confusion. “Uh, what are you doing?”

The employee didn’t bother to look up, instead prying the box open with the crowbar. “Birthday at table five, meaning they get ice cream cake.” He responded deadpan, pulling out a cake from the box. “Corporate orders them in 10 year supplies, so we deep freeze them in the back… and I’m the “lucky” one that gets to pull them out.”

“... Why not just order them in smaller quantities?” Dib replied, turning toward the freezer door. “It must cost a fortune to keep it that cold. Not to mention if you got stuck you would freeze.”

The employee sighed, grabbing the cake. “Don’t know, don’t get paid enough to start a lawsuit over it.”

As the employee walked into the madness, Dib carefully opened the freezer. He stuck his arm inside. “Holy shit, that’s insane!” he cried out, jumping back at the sheer cold that hit him.

Zim howled with laughter. “What did you expect, Dib stupid? The service drone told you it would be cold!”

“Yeah, sure, but…” Dib trailed off, blushing in embarrassment. “Look, I’m soaked to the bone and I just had to verify it, okay?! No freezer is normally that cold! Heck someone could die in there!” Dib’s eyes popped open as he glanced back at the freezer door. “Hey Zim, what environment do Aquarians normally live in?”

Zim finally stopped laughing, wiping a tear from his eye. “Ehhh, their home planet is primarily swamp land. Why do you want to know?”

“So, they wouldn’t do well in the cold then?” Dib replied, disregarding Zim’s question.

“No, they would not. But why does that matter?! ANSWER ZIM!”

Dib turned to Zim with a grin. “Zim, I think I have an idea.”

~

The Aquarian ripped through the dining room, tossing aside a few children as she searched for Zim. 

“Where the hell did that little urchin go?!” She growled frustrated. “God, at this rate I’m going to run out of time. And if that happens--”

“HEY, FISH BREATH!” Zim cried from the kitchen entrance. “ARE YOU GOING TO STAND OVER THERE AND BE PATHETIC OR ARE YOU GOING TO FIGHT ZIM AND LOSE?!”

The Aquarian dashed across the room, kicking Zim square in the stomach. Zim let out a small squeak in pain as he flew back into the kitchen.

“Is that… is that the best you got?” Zim stammered, struggling to get up from the floor.

“Nope!” The Aquarian responded in delight, punching Zim in the face and knocking him into the open freezer. She winced slightly at the biting cold, but refused to give Zim another chance to get away. “I’ll give you some credit, kid,” she said, trying her best not to let her teeth start chattering. “You’re one of the most stubborn targets I’ve ever been hired to kill. It’s no wonder those other amateurs failed.” She stomped her foot into Zim’s chest, causing him to cry out in pain. “But it looks like you’ve finally met your match.” 

Zim struggled under the weight of the Aquarian, failing to break free. “DO IT NOW, DIB!” he cried.

The Aquarian turned around, only to be met with a frying pan hitting her directly in the face. She fell to the floor with a cry, stars filling her vision.

Dib dropped the frying pan and grabbed Zim by the arm, practically dragging him out of the freezer. They slammed the door shut, locking the Aquarian inside her new icy prison.

“YOU THINK THIS WILL STOP ME?!” She cried, banging on the door, beginning to shiver. She tried to grab the sides to rip the door off, but ice and frost on the cold metal just made her hands go numb. She rubbed them together to no avail, growling at the door in anger. She fired a boiling stream of water, hoping to melt the ice and aid in her escape. To her horror, the water froze on impact, sealing her in more. 

“HAHAHA, TAKE THAT!” Zim cried, pressing his face against the small window on the door. “You have been thwarted by the mighty Zim!”

The Aquarian fell to her knees, her body going numb as it felt like her blood was freezing in its veins. With a shaking hand, she began to fumble with the collar around her neck.

“We-we actually did it!” Dib cried, leaning against the door. “We actually beat her. WE CAUGHT AN ALIEN!”

“Well of course we were victorious, Dib-monkey,” Zim proclaimed, placing a hand on his chest proudly. “You were working with Irk’s greatest invader! Victory was all but guaranteed!”

“This is insane.” Dib muttered, pacing back and forth across the kitchen. “I need to contact the Swollen Eyeball Network, maybe get in touch with world leaders…” He ran a hand over his cowlick and looked at Zim. “Hey, how long do you think it would take me to get the tools needed for a proper autopsy?

Professor Membrane poked his head into the kitchen. “Son? What on Earth are you doing back here? They’re is a fire in the main room!”

Dib turned with a grin, grabbing his father's arm. “DAD! You have to see this! Zim and I just caught a…” Dib glanced over his shoulder at Zim. “Wait, Zim what was it called again?”

“It’s an Aquarian, you pathetic monkey brain.”

“Right, that. It’s an alien that can--”

Professor Membrane held up his hand. “Son, are you talking about that strange looking animatronic that was just in the dining room?” He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Son, how many times do we need to have this discussion? There are no aliens!”

“Dad, I know, but this time I have undeniable proof!” Dib flung the freezer door open. “See for yourself!”

“... Uh, what am I supposed to be looking at exactly, son?”

Dib glanced inside the freezer, his face falling in despair. The Aquarian was gone, leaving no trace of her existence behind. Dib stepped into the freezer, fingers brushing against the icy walls. “I-I don’t get it, she was right here just a second ago.”

“AGAIN?!” Zim cried, glancing from behind Professor Membrane. “That’s the fifth one that’s done that! QUIT RUNNING, YOU COWARDS!”

Professor Membrane sighed, guiding Dib out of the freezer. “Come on son, your sister is waiting for us, and you could freeze in temperatures this cold, especially wearing wet clothes.” He shut the door behind them and made his way toward the exit. “I’ll let you say goodbye to your little friend. Please be mindful of the fire on your way out.”

Dib fell to his knees in disbelief. “I just don’t get it… how did she just--” He turned to Zim in shock. “Wait, did you say  _ AGAIN _ ?!”

“Did your noise holes fill with ice? YES! Every mercenary that has come before this one has vanished in a similar manner.” Zim waved his hand dismissively. “Look, the whole thing is rather complicated. It’s too advanced for your simple dirt monkey brain to understand.”

“You came to me for help!” Dib cried. “And in case you didn’t notice, you only won because of me!”

“YOU LIE!”

Dib picked himself up off the floor with a huff. “You know what? Forget it. I don’t even know why I bothered asking you in the first place.” He stormed toward the exit. “Mark my words Zim, I’ll figure out what’s going on! And once I do I’ll get right back to exposing you!”

Zim turned toward the freezer door one final time, a sense of dread looming in the pit of his spooch. He pulled out his communicator from his PAK.

“Computer. Establish communication with the tallest.”

**“Communication failed”** The computer responded deadpan

Zim tucked the device away, straightening his back and shaking his head. “Blasted Aquarian! She must have waterlogged my communicator! Curse these infernal mercenaries and their meddling in my conquest of Urth! I need to think of a way to quickly dispose of them! Otherwise my mission will grind to a halt!”

With a nod, Zim marched out of the kitchen, pondering on just how he could eliminate these new enemies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a way to start your weekend, huh?


	5. This is How Friendship Bracelets Work... Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for these two to give teamwork a chance! That shouldn't be too bad... right?

Dib let out a yawn and rested his head in his hand. It was Monday morning once again, and Miss Bitters was droning on about… something. Frankly, Dib was just too exhausted to care.

“It just doesn’t make any sense.” Dib groaned to himself, mindlessly doodling in his notebook. “I checked every inch of that restaurant, there were only two exits, the front door and the back door. I poured over the blueprints for structural deformities, the freezer is supposed to be air tight. Hell, I even hacked the security system and poured over hours of footage, and there is no sign of her leaving the building!” He let out a huff and tapped his pencil on the desk. “If I could just find some scrap of evidence, then maybe people would see-”

“MISS BITTERS!” A girl cried from the back of the class, causing Dib to flinch. “Dib’s being weird and is talking to himself again!”

Miss Bitters shot an icy glare at Dib. “DIB! Cease your mumbling. The skool board has me teaching eight classes a day. I don’t have the time to repeat myself… and frankly I don’t care to.”

Dib slumped in his chair. “Sorry, Miss. Bitters.”

The bell rang, signaling the end of the lesson. Dib grabbed his things, and made his way to the cafeteria.

“UGH! It just doesn’t make any sense!” he cried, crossing out some notes on his notepad. He was hardly paying attention to where he was going, and walked straight into another student.

“Watch where you’re going, freak!” The student cried, shoving Dib against the lockers on the wall.

Dib winced and rubbed his head. “I just don’t get it!” He cried, punching the lockers with his other hand. “We locked the door, and the walls were sealed! How do you just - OOF!”

One of Zim’s mechanical claws wrapped around Dib’s waist and yanked him into a supply closet. Dib landed on the floor face first, causing Zim to laugh as he slammed the door shut.

“HAHAHAHA! It seems your giant head serves as a good landing pad!” Zim snickered

Dib peeled his face off the floor, sat down and glared at Zim. “My head isn’t that- you know you could have just asked me to meet you in the supply closet!”

Zim waved his hand dismissively. “Eh, that would have taken too much time, and this way you couldn’t foil the plan with any of your pesky devices. There are important things we must discuss.”

“... and what exactly is that, Zim?”

Zim pulled a strange object from his PAK. “Listen carefully Dib-worm, because Zim is very important and busy and will only say this once.” Dib rolled his eyes, then watched as Zim tossed the strange object between his hands. “Zim has decided… to cease his conquest of your filthy planet.”  
  
“YOU’RE WHAT?!” Dib glanced around the room in a panic, frantically patting himself down. “Is this real?! Did you lock me in your simulation again?!”

“SILENCE!” Zim cried, slapping a hand over Dib’s mouth. “This is a temporary measure!” Zim took off his disguise, and looked Dib straight in the eye.

“... you’re serious. This is real?” Dib ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t get it, why the sudden change of heart?”

“EH?! ZIM HAS NOT CHANGED HIS ORGANS!”

Dib pinched the bridge of his nose. “Figure of speech, space boy. But seriously though, is this some kind of plot to destroy me or something?”

Zim turned away with a grunt. “This is no act, meat-brain. Zim is… merely inconvenienced by the sudden swarm of mercenaries. They are a waste of my time and keep interfering with my brilliant plans!” Zim turned back to Dib and poked Dib on the nose. “Since you are the only human intelligent enough to see through my brilliant disguise, I demand your continued service as my shield drone.”   
  


Zim extended his other hand, holding out the strange object. Dib scoffed and smacked away the hand still on his nose.

“And why exactly should I team up with you, Zim?” Dib spat, recoiling slightly from the gesture. “You’ve been my rival from day one!”

Zim blinked slightly in confusion. “You’re always squawking about your feeble attempts to defend this planet from me! I figured after somehow surviving so many of my brilliant plans, a few pathetic mercenaries would be a simple task for you.” Zim paused for a moment, a small menacing smile spreading across his face. “While they are sniveling snarl pups, they still pose a threat to this hunk of dirt. And you’re clearly the only human up to the task of defending it.”

Dib crossed his arms in frustration. As much as he hated to admit it, Zim did have a point. The scene at Bloaty’s was a clear sign that these intruders could do some damage.

“... Okay point taken.” Dib held out his hand. “Temporary truce then?”

Zim snapped the strange object around Dib’s wrist. “Wise choice, meat-slave! Now then-”

“WHAT THE FUCK ZIM?! I was offering a handshake! That was NOT permission for you to cuff me ag-!”

“ SILENCE!” Zim cried, once again clapping his hand over Dib’s mouth. “Do not interrupt your superior when he speaks!” Zim pulled out a tablet from his PAK. He tapped the screen a few times, causing the object to lit up. “That is a communicator, made of the finest Irken technology I could throw together at the last minute. You are to use it if you see anything suspicious going forward.”

Dib began to poke at the strange device, his eyes lighting up with curiosity. “Wow, my own piece of irken tech. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but this is actually pretty cool looking.”

“Of course it is! It was made by Zim!”

Dib rose to his feet, awkwardly rocking on his heels. “Soooo… I guess we’re really doing this, huh?” He muttered.

“Hmp. It would appear so Dib-stink.” Zim replied. “Err, why exactly were you trying this, shaking of the hands with Zim?”

“Oh.” Dib repiled, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Typically when an agreement is made, humans will shake hands as a way to make it official. It doesn’t really do anything, it’s just more of a formality.” Dib stretched his arm out once again. “You wanna seal the deal, spaceboy?”

Zim hesitated, but grabbed Dib’s hand.

“I’m only agreeing to this to protect the planet.” Dib growled, his grip on Zim’s hand tightening. “The second these guys are no longer a threat, I’ll stop you once and for all.”

Zim squeezed back, flashing a wicked smile. “And once I no longer require your services, I’ll feed your brain to my flesh-eating squid.”

“DEAL!”

~

The rest of the skool day went on without much fuss. Lessons dragged on as normal, and only three kids had to be sent to the nurse because they got food poisoning from lunch. As the final bell rang, Zim and Dib calmly walked out of class together, garnering several confused glances from their classmates.

“Wait… are they not going to fight today?”

“Aww shit, I had bet Torque $20 they would start once 9th period was over.”

“Wait, do you think… Have they been flirting this whole time?”

“Huh, maybe that’s why they were in the janitor’s closet at lunch today.”

“... Can we please just go home now?”

Zim marched out the doors of the skool, ignoring their whispers and comments. Dib followed behind, too engrossed with his new communicator to pay his classmates any mind.

“So how does this thing work anyway?” Dib asked, turning his wrist over and poking at the smooth device. “How did you even power this thing? Is there a battery I need to replace or-”

“It draws energy from the body heat you radiate.” Zim responded, a deadpan expression on his face. “Since you humans are always so sweaty and disgusting, it was the most efficient way of powering the device. Plus this way you don’t have to worry about it running out of power and failing.”

“Huh, that’s… actually kind of brilliant.”

“Of course it is!” Zim boasted, placing a hand proudly on his chest. “It came from my brilliant mind!”

Dib rolled his eyes. “So what features does this thing have anyway? You didn’t exactly fill me in before you slapped it on.”

“Had you been paying attention, stink-brain, it’s a communicator.” Zim drew a small “Z” on the device with his finger, bringing up a holo screen display. “It’s primary function is to allow you to contact me.”

Dib stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes shone with wonder at the display. He was too amazed to say anything in response, causing Zim to smirk at him. Zim grabbed Dib by the arm and started dragging him along once again, causing the screen to disappear.

“You are to contact Zim the moment you know of a new mercenary.” Zim turned to Dib. “Since these are all pre-discovered species within the vast Irken database, I’ve granted you access to the system.” Zim faced forward and rolled his hand in the air. “I’ve written out the instructions for how to analyze them on the device. Hopefully I dumbed down the procedure enough for your dirt brain to comprehend.”

Dib pulled up the display again, mimicking the motions Zim had done earlier. The screen popped up once again, now displaying the main screen. His face fell into a scowl.

“Zim…” He sighed, turning his gaze to the Irken. “I can’t read this.”

“WHAT?!” Zim stopped so suddenly that Dib walked into him. “Are humans so pathetic that you forget how to use your eyes?!”

Dib pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “This isn't English, Zim! Or any Earth based language for that matter! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to decode this? We don’t have that kind of time!”

Zim crossed his arm with a huff. “Well it’s not Zim’s fault you can’t read the superior language that is Irken! Even a smeet could accomplish such a simple task!” Zim marched toward his base, arms folded behind his back. “Very well then, Zim will just reprogram the bracelet for you, you pathetic little - OOF!”

A metal claw shot out from a nearby patch of trees, grabbing Zim’s small frame, and pinning the Irken’s arms to his sides.

“Oh shit!” Dib cried out. He tried to dash forward, but a small metal sphere struck him in the side of the head. “The hell?”

His vision filled with smoke, and his lungs burned. He fell to his knees in a fit of coughing desperate for air, tears falling down the side of his face.

When the smoke cleared, Zim was nowhere in sight.

~

Zim struggled as the trees seemed to rip past him, the rushing wind ripping off his wig and causing his antenna to ring as he plunged deeper into the woods. The claw around him released, sending him hurtling in the direction of a large rock. Thankfully, Zim’s PAK legs deployed, and caught him just before he face-planted into it.

“Hmmm, the expedited direct approach has failed.” An unfamiliar voice said behind Zim. “Current hypothesis is the PAK can independently defend the host body before organic reflexes can process the situation. Now beginning additional data collection.”

Zim turned to face the mysterious voice, his jaw falling in shock. What loomed over across the small clearing was a creature so covered in metal and gadgets, that practically no organic flesh was present. The metal was covered in rough welding, various screws and wires were littered about, interconnecting various weapons and tech beyond their original designs. 

“You dare meddle with the mighty ZIM?!” Zim cried out, standing proudly on top of the rock. “Ugh, what even are you anyway? You look like a walking junk heap.”

“Irrelevant.” The cyborg replied, their left eye shining bright as Zim was scanned from head to toe.

“How dare you ignore Zim?! Answer me you pathetic--” Zim’s antenna popped up in shock as he noticed the collar around the cyborg's neck. “Ah, so you’re another pathetic mercenary who is foolish enough to face me?”

“Assumption is only 50% correct.” The cyborg said, the glow of their eye fading as the beam disappeared. “I am in fact, a mercenary…” 

The cyborg’s right arm shifted into a cannon, and fired a large plasma blast at Zim. The PAK reacted before Zim could process what was going on, PAK legs pushing him off the rock and into the air.

“... but I think you will find I am far from pathetic.” the cyborg said with a small smirk. “Estimated time till victory, five minutes.” The metal of their feet began to shift and morph, revealing two large jet boosters. “Let the games begin.”

Zim growled as he responded with a flurry of attacks from his blasters, releasing a hellfire of bullets upon the cyborg. Unfazed, the mercenary gracefully flew through the storm, practically dancing their way through the sky. All the while their face remained calm and unfazed.

“FOOL! You are no match for Zim!” Zim cried, throwing his head back in laughter.

The cyborg smirked at the show of arrogance. “Just as predicted.” They remarked smugly. Taking advantage of the small display, they increased the power in their boosters, practically warping through the meteor shower of attacks and appearing directly behind Zim. Before Zim could even turn around. The cyborg raised their arms above their head, the limbs morphing together to shift into a large hammer. Zim was struck with the force of a ship breaking through orbit, crashing into the ground below creating a decent sized crater.

“Well, that took less time then estimated.” The cyborg remarked, gracefully hovering back down to the ground, arms separating. “My clients made such a fuss over taking you out, and according to my research you’ve taken out quite a few of the previous contenders.” The cyborg’s right arm morphed into a blaster once again. “I will admit, 300,000 monies is a bit under my pay grade. But hey, I thought, that PAK is pretty damn impressive. It would be a nice addition to my arsenal, so I threw caution to the wind and took a chance.” The cyborg stood proud and tall above Zim, left arm gracefully tucked behind their back. They aimed the blaster directly at Zim’s head. “And here we are! It seems my calculated risks have been rewarded. My chances of success are 90%!” They tilted their head to the side, flashing a self satisfied smile. “Any last words?”

Zim peeled his face off the ground, forcing every ounce of strength he had to prop himself up on his elbows. “F-FOOOL!” He staggered, struggling to hide the waves of pain that shot through him. “You… DARE underestimate t-the… MIGHTY ZIM?!” Zim took a gulp of air, and glared back at the cyborg. “C-clearly your calculations are pure dookie!”

“Oh, are they now?” The cyborg snickered, lowering their blaster. “Well then, my apologies.” They said with a graceful bow. “I didn’t mean to cause upset. Allow me to recalculate.”

Zim grinned wildly, pulling out his blasters once more and opening fire. The cyborg barely even flinched, their left arm flying out in front of them and summoning a shield, deflecting the blasts. Zim’s eye’s grew in horror, antenna pressed against his head, as the cyborg began walking towards him. Zim ended his attack and tried to stand, but his legs cried in agony. His knees buckled as he collapsed to the ground. His PAK legs tried to deploy, put the cyborg dissipated the shield and caught all four in one swift motion.

“Recalculations complete.” They cyborg stated. They hoisted the PAK legs above Zim’s head, and swiftly kicked him in the spooch. Zim curled forward with a wheeze, exposing more of his PAK as the metallic limbs were dangled above him. “My chances of success are now at 99.9%.” Their right arm shifted from a blaster to a sword. The cyborg smirked, delicately placing the blade where the PAK connected to Zim’s spine. “Good-bye.”

~

Dib rushed through the trees, panting as he lept over fallen branches and rocks.

“ZIM!” He cried out, cupping his hand over his mouth. “Come on, spaceboy, WHERE ARE YOU?”

Dib heard grunting through the trees on his right, and quickly dashed toward the sound.

“I swear to god, Zim, if this has been one massive plot to defeat me i’ll make sure you don’t get any anesthetics for your autopsy!”

The grunting only got louder, and Dib increased his speed, bursting through the branches into a small clearing.

“FINALLY, ZIM I-”

Dib came to a screeching halt, staring like a deer in headlights at one of his classmates from biology. The boy was leaning against the handle of a shovel, trying to lift a dead deer into a cardboard box. He stared back in disbelief at Dib.

“Uhhhh.” Dib muttered. “G-good carcass you got there. Are you looking for an easy A?”

“Don’t judge me, I need the extra credit.” The boy muttered, turning back to his task at hand.

Dib groaned, rolling his eyes. “GREAT. Where the heck am I supposed to find Zim-”

The ground beneath the two shook with a loud  _ THUD. _ Dib turned to the source in shock.

“ Maybe try there.” The classmate muttered leaning against the shovel with a huff.

Dib didn’t bother to thank the boy, instead booking it through the trees once again. He could hear distant yelling grow louder. He finally came upon a clearing, finding Zim pinned to the ground by a cyborg.

“Oh fuck.” Dib muttered, adrenaline shooting through his veins as he noticed the sword in the cyborg’s hands. Acting on instinct, he grabbed a large tree branch off a nearby tree, running forward and whacking the cyborg in the head with all of his might. The cyborg fell to the ground with a clang, their head turning a full 180 degrees. Their systems went into a state of shock, leaving them twitching on the ground as sparks flew from under the collar on their necks.

Zim pushed himself off the ground, PAK legs retracting. “Dib?” He tried to stand, only for his legs to wobby underneath him. “WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG, MEAT-SHIELD?! I could have been killed in the time it took you to get here! ...Not that this pathetic hunk of scrap metal could do that but you still shouldn’t have taken so long!”

Dib walked over to the cyborg, who was still struggling on the ground. “How crap, this tech is AMAZING!” Dib started to ramble, prodding at the various bits of tech on the cyborgs body with the stick. “Man this stuff is just hardwired into their body. How painful do you think it was incorporating all of this technology into their body? Do you think they had any issues trying to interconnect all the different devices? Man, what if this replaced some of their organs? Hang on, with all of this metal, how do they power all of-?”

“DIB-STINK!” Zim screamed, irritated. “CEASE YOUR PRODDING AND ASSIST ZIM!”

Dib groaned and turned to Zim. “Oh come ON! How are you not intrigued by this?! How often do you run into an alien cyborg?!”

“WE HAVE A TRUCE, YOU PATHETIC SACK OF MEAT JUICE!” Zim hoisted himself off the ground. He had finally recovered from the earlier beating, but his legs still wobbled. “Now, assist your superior!”

“... yeah we never agreed I would refer to you as that.”

The cyborg rose off the ground, their systems finally rebooting and their motor functions returning to normal, however their head was still backwards. They swept Dib’s legs out from under him, catching the teenager off guard. Before Dib hit the ground, the cyborg jumped up and kicked Dib square in the chest, knocking him into Zim and sending the two crashing against a tree. The cyborg grabbed the sides of their head and snapped it back into a place. Their jaw dropped in shock when they spotted Dib. 

“What- WHY ARE YOU HERE?!” The cyborg cried, their calm confidence crumbling away.

Dib tried to shake off the shock of hitting the tree. “I-I’m here to stop you! You’re not just a threat to Zim, you’re a threat to Earth itself!”

“... You have got to be kidding me.” The cyborg stuttered, slumping forward slightly. “You’ve been at this idiot’s throat since the moment you met him, but NOW you decide to help him!”

“Hang on how did you know I protect Earth from-?”

Sparks flew from the cyborg's robotic eye. “KRIFFING DAMN IT! Weeks of battle strategy planning just out the fucking airlock! Cause SOMEONE!” The cyborg gestured at Dib. “Decided to come to the rescue of his sworn enemy!” More sparks flew out from their eyes, causing them to cry out in pain. “Shit… too many.. variables… I can’t... focus.”

The cyborg gritted their teeth, pulling out their blaster and firing a desperate barrage of bullets. Unlike the earlier attack, there was no order or planning, just pure bullet hell. Zim panicked at the oncoming attack, grabbing Dib by the shoulders and pulling the teenager in front of him like a human shield.

“ZIM, WHAT THE HELL?!” Dib screeched. He tried to squirm his way out to freedom, but the irken’s iron grip pinned his arms to his sides and kept him planted to the ground. Dib winced as he braced for his certain doom, only to be greeted by a slight tickling sensation brushing across his body. 

“Hahahaha.” Dib giggled, slightly confused. “What the - hahaha - what the fuck - HAHAHAHAHA!”

“... You can’t be serious.” The cyborg croaked, their blaster lowered in defeat ending the flurry of bullets. “HUMANS ARE CARBON-BASED?!” The cyborg punched the ground, letting loose a string of unrecognizable curses, their eye continuing to shoot out sparks.

Dib finally calmed down and glanced back at Zim. “Okay… the danger is gone. Now quit using me as a carbon-based shield already.”

Zim’s antenna popped up in shock, and he forcefully shoved Dib down into the dirt. He quickly popped up his fists, and threw his head back.

“HA! You MISSED! VICTORY FOR ZIM!”

Dib rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah sure, just ignore my help in all of that. Not like I just saved your life or anything.”

“SILENCE DIB-STINK! Zim needs no saving! You didn’t do anything, that was all my idea!” Zim waved his hand dismissively. “Besides, my brilliant plan worked far better for you than I intended. Be grateful I am so amazing.”

Dib’s eyes grew wide in horror, turning toward Zim in shocked disbelief. “You didn’t… YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT WOULDN’T KILL ME?!”

“SILENCE! I SAID DO NOT QUESTION ZIM!”

Their argument was cut off by the cyborg driving an axe between the two, their face in a wild rage. Dib took advantage of the missed attack, pulling out a taser from his trench coat and shocking the cyborg in the stomach. The cyborg fell to the ground with a cry, their metallic limbs twitching as the electricity threw off their controls. Zim lifted Dib up from under his arms, dashing up into the trees and escaping through the treetops.

~

Dib and Zim sat at the top of a tall tree, doing their best to stay as quiet and as hidden as possible. The cyborg had lost sight of them when they had made their tactical retreat, and was currently rampaging through the woods looking for them.

“Okay,” Dib finally said after a few moments. “I think we finally shook them.” He jutted his thumb over his shoulder. “So got any bright ideas on how to take that thing out?”

“Zim always has many brilliant plans, Dib.” Zim boasted, proudly placing a hand on his chest. “It seems that this cyborg analyzes the attack patterns of their target, using the data to predict potential moves and find the strategy to give them the highest chance of victory.”

Dib eyes light up with shock. “That’s why they must have been so thrown off when I showed up! There were so many new variables and possibilities at that point, it must have overthrown their processor-”

“DO NOT INTERRUPT ZIM, YOU PATHETIC PIG-MONKEY!” Dib leaned forward to shush Zim, only for Zim to swat him away. “But yes. Despite your inferior human mind, you are correct in your conclusion.”

Dib sighed, gripping the branch underneath him and leaned forward to look down for the cyborg. “Well, at least we can even the odds a bit. But how the heck are we going to deal any damage and knock them out? Like 98% of their body is pure metal. I doubt even a fully charged attack from your blaster would do much damage. And it’s not like that tree branch did a whole lot when I hit them earlier.”

Zim noticed the now extremely damaged taser in Dib’s interior coat pocket, and pulled it out. “Well, this device seems to deal a great amount of pain.” He turned the device over in his hand. “Why do you even have this weapon in the first place?”

“Hey, don’t judge me for having something for self defense! You’re one to talk, your PAK is loaded with weapons!”

Zim hit the power button on the side of the taser. The device produced a few small sparks, but then stuttered out completely. 

“Looks like I might have fried it when I shocked them.” Dib winced. “Looks like it will take more than 50,000 volts to take them down.”

“Not surprising this thing would prove to be a complete disappointment, considering it's technology from this disgusting ball of dirt.” Zim groaned. “Now where are we going to get that kind of power?”

Dib looked out across the treetops, spotting a large power plant in a clearing in the distance. He tapped on Zim’s shoulder, causing the Irken to turn to him in confusion.

“How about something like that?” Dib said with a smirk, pointing out to the power plant.

Zim looked out, his antenna popping up in shock. “THAT’S IT!” He turned to Zim, hands proudly tucked behind his back. “Listen carefully Dib, for Zim has conducted a BRILLIANT PLAN!” Zim turned toward the station while Dib just rolled his eyes. “Those primitive earth power stations should provide the electricity we need to destroy that pathetic mercenary. All we have to do is use your giant head to lure them there!” Zim placed his hands on his hips and laughed. “You may marvel at Zim’s brilliance now.”

“... yeah no. If you think I’m going to-”

Dib was cut off by the cyborg cutting down the tree next to them in a rage.

“Ah!” Zim exclaimed. “They still have failed to locate us! It’s time to put my brilliant plan into action! Now Dib-stink, use your freakishly large head to - AHHHHHH!”

Dib didn’t let Zim finish, kicking the Irken out of the tree, laughing as Zim face planted on the ground.

“YOU’LL PAY FOR THAT, DIB!” Zim cried, jumping up from the ground, shaking his fist at the laughing teenager.

The cyborg’s head snapped toward Zim, their robotic eye glowing bright. “Target acquired.” They took aim with their blaster, Causing Zim to summon his PAK shield in response. The blast ricocheted up into the trees, cleaning slicing through the branch that Dib was sitting on. The teenager fell out of the tree, landing squarely on the cyborg. Zim cackled wildly as Dib struggled to untangle himself from the branch and the cyborg, glaring daggers at the irken.

“Oh, very funny Zim. It won’t be so funny when I-”

The cyborg jumped up off the ground, tossing Dib off of them. Zim grabbed Dib under his arms, pulled out his boosters and flew the two of them out of the woods. The cyborg followed close behind with boosters of their own.

“Ow ow OW!” Dib cried out as his legs were whacked by bushes and fallen branches. Since he was about 5’10”, his legs were awkwardly dangling down, and even when he pulled his knees up to his chest he still was practically touching the ground. “Zim can you pull up a little?!”

“FINE MEAT BABY!” Zim fired back. “You know it wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t so annoyingly tall!”

He rocked up, bursting through the edge of the forest, arching his way up toward the power plant. The extra strain on the booster caused them to stutter out, causing the two to fall toward the plant. Zim lost his grip on Dib, causing the teenager to fall to the ground with a thud. His glasses flew off, leaving him stumbling on the ground practically blind.

“Crap, please don’t be broken.” Dib muttered, desperately patting around for his glasses. “Please, please, PLEASE don’t be broken!”

The cyborg landed next to Dib with a thud, shaking the ground and knocking the teenager off balance. Their right hand flicked out, firing a net at Dib, pinning his arms to sides. Dib was left to helplessly squirm on the ground, unable to get up and barely able to see five inches in front of him.

“YOU....” The cyborg spat at Dib, kicking him in the stomach. “You ruined everything you little brat. Weeks of planning went down the drain all because you decided to play hero.” They grabbed Dib by the collar of his shirt, pulling him up so they were face to face. “That PAK will give me the ultimate upgrade, and you’ve nearly ruined my one shot at it.” They tossed Dib to the ground, bringing their hands together to form an axe. “I won’t give you any more chances!”

Zim charged in, swiftly kicking the cyborg in the side. Using both his PAK legs and the last of the power in his boosters, he shoved the cyborg into a nearby transformer.

The cyborg slammed into the metal, the surges of electricity rushing through them. They cried out as their limbs twitched, and their robot eye shattered into thousands of fragments. The collar around their neck glowed bright orange, and began making a loud, obnoxious whirring sound. The light grew brighter, engulfing the cyborg’s frame until they disappeared with a POP. The only evidence of their presents was the dent in the transformer, and the broken fragments of their eye.

“Did… did they just disappear?!” Dib asked, squinting in an attempt to make up for his horrible eyesight.

Zim brushed himself off and turned to face the still tied up human. “Yes, it seems that odd collar around their nec- OH IRK THEY TOOK YOUR EYEBALLS!”

“... wait, what?”

Zim rushed over and cut Dib free using the end of his PAK legs. The Irken spotted Dib’s glasses on the ground and picked them up. He took a curious peak through them, groaning at how blurry the world around him became. 

“Oh tallest, that’s horrible” Zim remarked, turning back to Dib. He did his best to flash a smile. “Ummm, worry not Dib! Zim can fix them and reattach them to your face!... Probably.”

Dib squinted at Zim and tilted his head. “What are you-?” He recognized his glasses and snatched them out of Zim’s hand. “Are you serious, Zim?” He asked, placing the glasses on his face. He blinked a few times to adjust to the clarity, and sighed with relief that they weren’t broken. “These are just my glasses. They’re supposed to help me see better.”

“LIES!” Zim cried, pointing a finger accusingly at Dib. “I just looked through them, and my superior vision was compromised! How on Irk would that aid you?!”

“Yeah, cause you don’t need them, moron!” Dib retorted. “What you saw is what my vision is like without them!”

“ENOUGH!” Zim cried. “Let’s just head back to the base. I still need to translate your communicator, since you’re still too stupid to read Irken.”

“For the last time I never-!” Dib got up off the ground and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You know what? Forget it, it’s not worth it. Let’s just go, Zim.”

~

The two made their way back to the base, stumbling their way back through the woods. 

“Stoopid mercenaries, showing up on this stoopid planet” Zim muttered, whacking away branches as he walked. “Showing up unannounced, with all of their surprise attacks, thinking they’re so impressive.”

“You know…” Dib said, doing his best to duck and weave through all the branches. “We could probably set up some kind surveillance system to let us know when a ship enters the planet’s atmosphere.”

“... it is not a horrible idea.” Zim remarked. “How did you come up with that?”

“I used something similar in the past. That’s actually how I found out you landed on Earth.”

“You LIE! I was undetectable! Any readings you may have had must have been some other pathetic alien’s ship!”

The two bickered and argued the whole way back to the base, stumbling their way through the woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back after an unplanned break! Apologizes for the two months of silence, we both got slammed with online school work with everything going on. Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long to finish!


	6. Hooray! Time for Nightmares!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know it's probably not a good sign when Miss Bitters freaks out.

The sounds of lockers slamming, idle chatter, and groans of students flooded the halls as students tried to milk the most out of their time before the start of another day of classes. With less than a month left before summer vacation, students were quick to focus on anything other than schoolwork to pass the time until their freedom.

“Hey, did you hear Mr. Johnson is getting sued by the EPA?” 

“Doesn’t shock me. I always thought it was weird. He kept asking us to bring in dead animals.”

“Wait, shit. Does this mean I don’t get extra credit now?”

Dib and Zim calmly walked side by side down the hall to their first class of the day, paying no mind to the gossip around them. 

“Did you verify the settings on the atmosphere security system?” Zim said, turning up to look at Dib.

Dib fiddled with the communicator on his wrist as he walked.“Yeah. Checked it last night.” Dib replied, not looking up from his task. “Nothing is breaking through the atmosphere without us knowing. Should prevent another sneak attack.”

The two had managed to find a middle ground since the cyborg attack, much to the shock of their classmates. The fact the two were engaging in a civil conversation voluntarily caused the hallways to buzz with gossip.

“I can’t believe it. They’ve been buddy-buddy for, like, two whole weeks.”

“You think they were brainwashed by the school or something to stop fighting?”

“Twenty bucks says they'll lose it by the end of third period.”

Dib and Zim paid their classmates no mind, still carrying on with their conversation as if nothing was wrong.

“So when a hooman says, ‘water has gone down the wrong pipe,’” Zim asked, slightly nudging Dib out of the way of an oncoming student. “This ISN’T them discussing their primitive plumbing systems?”

Dib shook his head, eyes still locked down on the communicator on his wrist. “No, no, it does not. That typically means they were drinking something, and their drink accidentally got into their airways.”

“How does the fluid “accidentally” get there?! Are humans so pathetic they forget how to drink?”

“Epiglottis didn’t do its job in that case. Normally we don’t have to think about it for it to work, so when it doesn’t work right, it catches us off guard.” Dib replied, sticking his tongue out as he continued to mess with the device.

Zim’s face scrunched up in confusion. “What is the… egg-glotus? And why is it so stupid that it can’t keep your stupid meat body alive?!”

Dib sighed, smacking the communicator before dropping his arms at his sides in frustration. “The _epiglottis_ is a little flap that sits above our airways. Its job is to stop food and water from entering the lungs since that’s where the air is supposed to go.”

The two entered the classroom and took their seats by the window. Zim had recently started sitting next to Dib more and more during the school day. It was far easier to respond to a mercenary attack when Dib was right there. Plus, he had to keep an eye on the communicator and make sure Dib didn’t break it. And the fact he could bother Dib by tossing notes at his giant head during class was just a bonus. It’s not like he enjoyed the human’s company or anything.

“Why do you hoomans have so many disgusting organs? Seems so inefficient.”

Dib went back to messing with his communicator, now only half paying attention to Zim. “I don’t know; I didn’t design the human body. I’m just stuck with it.” Dib reached into his backpack and pulled out his biology textbook, tossing it at Zim. “Ask the book, not me. I’m in the middle of something here.”

Zim cocked his head to the side. “Dib-human, what are you doing to my device? You have been poking at it all morning.”

Dib pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned forward onto his desk. “I tried linking up my camera system and monitoring system to the communicator-”

“You tried to connect WHAT to my device?!” Zim cried, standing up angrily in his chair.

Dib held his hands up defensively. “I didn’t break it or anything! I just figured it would be easier to pull up the feed on the device directly. This way, we could get a location on the mercenaries and avoid another sneak attack. Plus, it’s not like the cameras are set up in your base… anymore.”

“That is… not terrible thinking, Dib-stink.” Zim replied, slightly impressed. “Zim will allow your tampering of his flawless device… this time.”

Dib rolled his eyes. “Gee, thanks, Zim.” He pulled up the main display on the screen, which showed nothing but static. “I swear I had this working before I got to school, but for some reason, I can’t pull up the feed inside the building. One camera not wanting to link up wouldn’t be unusual, but what the hell happened that disconnected all of them? It’s kind of… unsettling.”

Miss Bitters rushed into the classroom, gliding across the floor like a shadow before settling in her chair.

“Alright, students.” She grumbled, flipping open her lesson planner, sending out a cold icy glare across the room. “Sit in your chairs and be quiet. Today we will be reading  _ Of Mice and Men _ . And no, before you ask, this story does not have a happy ending. It’s just as disappointing as real life, so stop asking for one.”

Zim and Dib tried their best to pay attention to Miss Bitter’s lesson, but they couldn’t bring themselves to care. Zim pulled out a small contraption from his PAK and began to tinker with it, while Dib got back to work on his communicator. This continued on for a bit, the two occasionally passing tools to the other. The longer the lesson went on, the room seemed to grow more and more uncomfortable, the air becoming stuffy and hot.

Dib finally managed to get an image on his screen, but much to his confusion, the footage was displaying the inside of Miss Bitters’ classroom. 

“The hell?” Dib muttered to himself, glancing around the room. “There aren’t normally cameras in here. Did the school upgrade its security system?”

The growing sound of mumbling cut through the classroom, cutting off Dib’s thoughts and Miss Bitters’ droning.

“DIB!” Miss Bitters hissed through her teeth. “Cease that infernal mumbling! Do you want to be sent to the underground classrooms?!”

Zim slammed a fist on his desk, causing the entire class to flinch in shock. “FOOL! That mumbling isn’t the Dib!” He pointed to Gina, who was sitting in the back corner of the room. “She’s the one creating those infernal sounds!”

The class turned towards the back of the room in confusion. Dib merely looked at Zim in confusion.

“Did you just… defend me?” He asked puzzled.

“Don’t overthink it, meat-face,” Zim grumbled back, refusing to make eye contact. “You’re Zim’s shield drone now. I can’t have the school distracting you from that task with its pathetic punishments.”

Dib turned his attention back to the source of the now much loader mumbling. Gina sat in the back corner, rubbing her arms up and down. She rocked in her chair slightly, becoming more and more panicked.

“Nononononononono, getoffmegetoffmegetoffme.” She shuddered violently as if something had brushed against her skin. “Oh god, I can feel the hairs on their legs!”

Miss Bitters cocked an eyebrow, cautiously rising from her chair. “Gina, what are you doing?”

Gina flew out of her chair, tears streaming down her face. “GET THEM OFF OF ME!” She ran blubbering into the hallway, much to the confusion of the rest of the class. A strange white mist began to take her place, drifting down from the air vent that was right above her desk. Students began to get up from their seats and gather at the front of the room, uneasy at the strange sight.

“What the heck is her problem?”

“Eww, what the heck is that stuff?”

“... Does this mean we can go home early?”

Dib ran over to the window, hoping that allowing some fresh air in would get rid of the mist, only to discover they were sealed shut.

“Miss Bitters!” he cried. “The windows are stuck!”

“Well, of course, they are, Dib,” Miss Bitters spat back. “We can’t have students trying to escape from state-mandated tests. Now all of you sit back down and-”

Miss Bitters's breath hitched as she stared straight ahead in wide-eyed terror. The students looked back at the empty wall, then back at their teacher in confusion.

“No…” Miss Bitters whispered, pointing to the back wall with a shaking arm. “NO, YOU STAY BACK! KEEP YOUR SUGAR AWAY FROM ME! I DON’T WANT HELP WITH MY MEDICINE!” 

She dashed under the desk, holding her knees close to her chest as she whimpered in fear. The mist began to pour out of the vent at a fast rate, becoming thicker and quickly blanketing the room. The children in the classroom started to panic as less, and less of the room became visible.

“WHAT’S GOING ON?!”

“I don’t feel so good…”

“No, no, no, GET AWAY FROM ME!”

The class broke out into chaos as the room filled with mist. Dib looked over to Zim, a mix of anger and confusion spreading across his face.

“What the hell is this stuff!?” He cried, looking over at Zim. “Is this an old, failed scheme of yours?”

“NO! ZIM WOULD NEVER MAKE SOMETHING SO STUPID!”

“Then that means… shit.”

Dib rushed over to the door and flung it open, hoping to air out the room. His stomach dropped as more mist flooded in from the halls. It was so thick that Dib couldn’t even make out the opposite wall.

“Crud,” Dib muttered, running a hand over his hair scythe. “Looks like the next mercenary is here. So much for the atmosphere sensor…”

Dib turned around, the desks and his classmates vanishing from sight. Dib took a cautious step forward, surrounded by nothing but blinding light.

“Zim?” Dib asked, hearing only distant cries in response. In the distance, there was a small blur. “Zim, is that you?” The blur got larger and larger, slowly approaching Dib. Dib let out a small sigh of relief. “Oh, thank god, I thought it would take forever to find you.”

The blur came into focus, revealing a small tablet floating in the air, similar to the ones that his father used around the house. Dib blinked, rubbing his eyes in confusion at the sight of the screen.

“Dad?!” He cried, looking around in confusion. “What are you doing here?... Okay well, you’re not _actually_ here, but-”

“I received a call that you were slacking off in class… again.” His father replied sternly through the screen.

“Oh, okay, hang on if this is about this,” Dib held up his wrist with the communicator. “I promise I can explain. See, Zim and I-”

“Dib, I’m glad you have a friend, but you shouldn’t let him distract you during class,” Professor Membrane scolded, pinching the bridge of his nose through the neck of his lab coat. “Can’t you take school seriously for once?!”

“Hey, I still get all my homework done and everything!” Dib retorted, “It’s not like I’m failing or anything.”

“Honestly, Dib, doing the bare minimum isn’t enough. For god’s sake, you’re entering high school in a few months! If you don’t get your act together soon, how do you plan on getting into college?!” Professor Membrane threw his hands up in frustration. “For once, can’t you think about your future?!”

Dib took a small step back. “What the hell makes you think that I don’t?!”

“REALLY?!” Professor Membrane shouted from a second screen behind Dib, causing him to jump in shock. “Because all you ever do is run around rattling on about pure, unscientific nonsense!”

Dib slumped his shoulders down in frustration. “Okay, Dad, for the last time I know ‘conventional science’ doesn’t admit they're real, but I go out to gather proof on them to back up my claims! You’re the one that never even gives it a passing glance!”

“What, the evidence of your fairies and ghosts?!” A third screen cried out. “Son, you're so convinced that these fairytales are real that you’ll cling to anything you think will prove you right! None of it is real!”   
  


Dib took a small step back from the collection of screens. “... No. No! Dad, I swear, I’m not making it up. I have proof, just please-”

A fourth monitor appeared, seemingly out of thin air. “REALLY?!” A few images of paranormal creatures and Dib’s documentation came onto the screen. “Because all I see is evidence of your own insanity!”

Dib whipped around to face the newest screen. “Dear God, it’s getting hard to keep track of these things.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Dad, look. I know I’m not crazy! Last week I found a lock of Bigfoot's hair! All I have to do is run it through a DNA test, and you’ll see-”

“I already did, Son.”

Dib blinked in shock. “Wait… you actually paid attention to my evidence?”

“Yes, I did.” The first of the monitors replied, the screen flickering to some reports. “I analyzed the hair myself. They were nothing more than the loose strands of hair of a man’s beard.”

“Oh.” Dib shrunk down, flushing red in embarrassment. “Okay, well, that hypothesis was wrong, but I have proof about other creatures! Like the vampire bees-”

A new monitor flashed in front of him, appearing inches away from his face. “Mosquito bites, Dib! The test results on the “saliva” the next morning was a direct match to the venom of a mosquito. Not to mention the fact that it was the middle of summer, mosquito bites are a common occurrence. As of the increased appetite for honey, you were entering the early stages of puberty. Increased appetite among males is quite common.”

“Oh-okay.” Dib stuttered, shrinking back once more. “What about that time I raised the dead?”

“Please, raising the dead isn’t proof of the paranormal! You restimulated the muscles with an outside source of energy! I can recreate the same results in my lab… ignoring a few pesky ethical regulations, that is.”

“I-I…” Dib stammered, his face growing redder with each remark. He never had full access to the equipment needed to test his theories; Dib had to rely on his own skills until he could. The fact that he had been wrong about so many things was causing his head to spin. “The ghosts in our attic!” He cried, desperately hoping that there was one bit of evidence his father hadn’t gotten to yet. “I still have the EMF readings and the voice recordings-”

The now large group of screens closed in around Dib, causing him to fall to his knees. “Son, I’ve verified the time of the readings. It corresponded with when your sister was downstairs in the kitchen, heating up a pizza in the microwave.”

“But… but the voices…”   
  


“She was on a group call with her gaming friends! My god, you’ve dug yourself into a pit of delusions, son! Why can’t you just admit these aren’t real?!” The screen inched closer around Dib, forming a tight circle. “With all this constant nonsense, you’re nothing but a complete lunatic! A failure! A disgrace!

Dib covered his ears as the screens tormented and scolded him. “NO! YOU’RE WRONG! I’M NOT CRAZY! I-I-” His eyes grew wide as an idea popped in his head. “ZIM!” He took his hands off his ears and looked directly at the screen in front of him. “I know you don’t believe me, but I have solid proof that-”

“ENOUGH OF THIS INSANITY DIB!” Membrane’s voice cried from all the screens at once. “YOU’VE TORMENTED THAT TERMINALLY ILL CHILD FOR TOO LONG!”

“I-what?”

The screens backed away slightly from Dib, revealing a small outline in the mist. The figure was faint, but Dib could make out the glow of Zim’s PAK. The figure slowly began to walk toward Dib and the circle of screens.

“Dad, look he’s right here, just trust me-”

The figure stepped into the circle, the veil of fog clouding his features falling as he came into view. There was no doubt it was Zim, but his normally bright green skin was sickly pale green. The usual smooth, flawless texture now paper-thin and covered in scars and bruises. There was still no sign of typical nose or ears, but there were scars that indicated they were removed. In place of his ears, two hearing aids were implanted into the skull. Two small sensors were stuck to his temple, poorly hidden by a cheap wig. The sensors had two thin wires that dipped behind his back. A tube ran through the remains of his nose, also disappearing behind his back. His eyes, typically pools of pure scarlet, were blood-shot with dark heavy bags under them. The child was tightly clutching something green at his chest, though his grip was so tight that Dib couldn’t make it out.

“This… this isn’t Zim. What… who?”

“HE’S JUST A BOY DIB!” His father’s voice cried out. “This poor boy isn’t an alien; he just sufferers from several severe illnesses!”

“But, his skin!” Dib cried in desperation.

“It’s called hypochromic anemia. Zim suffers from a severe meat allergy; he’ll break into a rash just from touching it. This makes it difficult for his body to get protein. As a result, his red blood cells are paler than normal, causing the change of color to his skin.”

“But… his nose… his ears.”

“Relapsing polychondritis. His cartilage and tissue throughout his body will repeatedly inflame. It got so bad in his nose and ears that they had to be removed before it caused further damage to other parts of his body.”

Dib’s breath hitched. “But… the thing on his back… his eyes.”

“ARE YOU SERIOUS, DIB?!” Professor Membrane instructed Zim to turn around, revealing the mangled mess of medical equipment and sensors. “This is the only thing keeping this child alive. This system monitors his vitals and administers more medication when needed. It also has an air filter to remove the risk of infection through airborne pathogens. And what did you expect his eyes to look like, Dib? It isn’t easy trying to sleep with a system like that constantly being attached to you!”

Dib tried to swallow the lump forming in his throat, guilt and dread hitting him like a truck and threatening to let loose a flood of tears. “No… He’s a… I have proof I-”

“FOR GOD’S SAKE SON! HASN’T HE SUFFERED ENOUGH?!”

Zim stepped forward, his thin legs shaking with every step. “Please, just stop.”

  
  


Dib screwed his eyes shut, forcing his hands over his ears once more. “NO! That’s not Zim! You have to believe me, that’s not him!”

“WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!” Zim cried, eyes welling with tears. “I’ve tried telling you I’m just a kid, BUT YOU’VE HAD IT OUT FOR ME SINCE DAY ONE!”

“For God’s sake, son,” Membrane sighed, “He may not even live long enough to start high school! Can’t you just open your eyes?!”

“No, no, no, he’s real. H-he, he has to be real…”

“Just leave me alone already!” Zim cried, tears pouring down his face. “My life is horrible enough without you making it worse!” Zim released the object in his arms, chucking it straight at Dib’s head and smacking him across the face. Dib’s blood turned to ice as he saw it was a small, green stuffed puppy, looking almost exactly like the disguise Gir had.

“No, I-”

“Leave me alone!”

“I-”

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” 

Zim walked over to Dib and got close to his face, the sickly green skin and bloodshot eyes undeniable proof of Dib’s mistakes. He could see just how cheap the wig was, the plastic strands in slight disarray as the wires snaked beneath it. Zim picked up the small green doll and stepped back.

Dib fell to the floor, slipping as he tried to back-peddle from Zim, tears bursting out as he gasped for air.

“Pathetic.” Membrane spat. “You’re nothing but a disgrace to the Membrane name.”

Dib felt every nerve in his body shake at his father’s words. He looked up, coming face to face with two men from the Crazy House for Boys, ready to drag him off once again. Zim stood behind the men, fiddling with his stuffed puppy again.

“No-please, no! I can’t go back there!” He pleaded to one of the screens. “PLEASE! I promise I can be normal! Please, I’m sorry! Just don’t send me back!”

His words were cut short as a muzzle snapped over his mouth. Dib began to hyperventilate, the world around him blurring into a sea of colors before going completely dark.

~

Zim watched as the mist poured from the vents, filling the room within a matter of seconds. Even with his vastly superior eyesight, Zim was having difficulty seeing through the intense fog that blanketed the room. Dib stood at Zim’s side, looking at him in confusion.

“What the hell is this stuff!?” Dib cried. “Is this an old, failed scheme of yours?”

Zim’s jaw dropped in shock at the accusation. “NO! ZIM WOULD NEVER MAKE SOMETHING SO STUPID!”

“Then that means… shit.” Dib dashed into the fog, quickly disappearing into the white.

“EH?! GET BACK HERE STINK-MONEY!” Zim cried, dashing after the human. “Have you no sense of self-preservation?! You’re no good as a meat shield if you’re dead!”

“Zim?” Dib called out through the mist. “Zim, is that you?”

“Of course, it’s me!” Zim cried out in response, finally locating the silhouette of his rival turned ally. “None of these pathetic humans can match Zim’s flawless appearance!” 

“Oh, thank god, I thought it would take forever to find you.”

“Yes, yes. Zim is remarkable at tracking. I could spot your head from halfway across the room. Now, onto the matter at hand-”

“Dad?!” Dib cried out, rubbing his eyes in confusion. “What are you…” he began to mutter.

“EH?! Have your eyes malfunctioned further?! ZIM IS NOT YOUR FATHER-UNIT! ZIM IS NO ONE’S FATHER!”

Dib eyes seemed to lose focus, going glossy and staring straight ahead. His voice dropped to barely above a whisper, mumbling sentences that Zim couldn’t quite understand. Zim jumped up and waved his arms in front of Dib’s face.

“DO NOT IGNORE ME, PATHETIC MEAT BOY!” When the action garnered no response, he climbed onto a nearby desk and poked Dib on the cheek. “Dib-stink?”

“No, mom, please! Don’t make me shake hands with Bloaty!”

Zim turned and finally took notice of the pure chaos that had erupted in the room. Many of the students were in trances similar to Dib, simply locked into place unaware of the world around them. Others were breaking into a full-on panic, running around in horror regardless of the items, or people, in their way. Zim cocked his head in confusion, pulling out his portable link to his computer.

“COMPUTER!”

“Oh god, what?” The computer groaned. “Don’t you normally leave me alone when you go to… wherever it is you go?”

“SILENCE!” Zim cried, pointing a finger angrily at the device. “Run an analysis on the gas composition in this room. I want to know what is currently running through this DISGUSTING school’s airways!”

“UGHHHHHHHHH, fine.” The computer moaned, the device rising into the air from Zim’s hand. A green beam scanned in a circle, disappearing with a ding. “I found only one possible match. All signs indicate this mist is a hallucinogenic vapor from an Ascalan.”

Zim’s antenna twitched under his wig. “UGH, so that’s why they’re running around like pathetic little Morticks.”

“The mist takes effect once inhaled by the subject.” The computer continued. “Over time, as the subject inhales more of the vapor, the hallucinations become more intense. The starting strength of the hallucination depends on the overall concentration of the mist in the air. Based on my readings of the room, the hallucinations the humans are experiencing are too vivid to tell apart from reality.”

“What does this mist make them hallucinate that causes them to run around like infant squillocks?” Zim asked, waving a hand at the panic.

“Survivors report that the hallucinations conjure forth their greatest fears or darkest times. The torture of these hallucinations eventually drives them insane or sends them blindly attacking whatever is around them.” The computer responded, followed by a few beeps. “Unless the source is knocked out, I’d say you have about… eh, ten minutes before they start tearing themselves apart?”

One of the students grabbed a nearby desk, chucking it at the window. The desk merely bounced off the glass, smacking him in the face and knocking him out cold on the ground.

“... you know what? On second thought, make that five.” The computer sighed. “And just know that’s a timer for you too. You only seem to be unaffected right now largely in part to your PAK, but eventually, the filters will hit capacity, and you’ll be just like the rest of them.”

Zim put the device away, turning his attention to Dib. The human was no longer standing but crouched on the floor, holding his hands to his ears, muttering furiously under his breath, his voice strained like he was choking on a scream. Zim jumped off the desk he was standing on and stood in front of the pathetic human.

“DIB-STINK! Stop it with your pathetic ramblings and get off the disgusting floor! Thanks to Zim’s brilliance, I know how to stop this mist!”

Dib’s eyes went wide with horror as he stared blankly ahead.

“Did you not hear Zim?! I said, get up, you pathetic Urth monkey!”

“No, no, no, he’s real. H-he has to be real..”

Zim smacked Dib in the face, only driving the human deeper into his panic. Zim reached into his PAK and pulled out his contraption from earlier.

“You are lucky Zim is so brilliant, Dib-smeet.” Zim signed, glancing at Dib. “This device was supposed to be an upgrade for your pathetic breathing system. Such a stoopid design.” Zim reached into a nearby desk and pulled out a phone, smashing it for the screws. “But thanks to my superior Irken knowledge, Zim can easily make an air filter for you.”

“No, I-”

Zim snapped the final piece into place, holding the completed device in front of him. It looked like a simple surgical mask, made out of thin bits of metal and with some vents on the side. “It’s done! Now hold still.”

“I-” Dib choked out, panic clear on his face.

Dib fell to the floor, nearly knocking the device out of Zim’s hands on the way down. Tears streamed down his face as he gasped for air. “N-no please no! I can’t go back there!” He pleaded to the Irken. “PLEASE! I promise I can be normal! Please, I’m sorry! Just don’t send me back!”

Zim grabbed Dib by his cowlick and snapped the device over his mouth. “Relax Urth monkey. Whatever has you so scared will be over soon.”

~

Dib desperately tried to pry the muzzle off his face, but no matter how hard he pulled, it refused to budge. He began to desperately claw at his neck, his breaths becoming short and staggered as his anxiety spiked.

The sick child in front of him grabbed Dib’s hands by the wrist, holding them in place with an iron grip. “Relax, Urth monkey. Whatever has you so scared will be over soon.”

Dib desperately tried to pull away, tears streaking down his face as he tried to avoid eye contact with the child. “Please, I can’t go back! I can’t go back. I can’t.”

The child grabbed Dib’s face, somehow still maintaining his grip on Dib’s wrists. “Shut up and breathe, you pathetic worm.” The child said. “Zim knows your airways are pathetic, but take deep breaths.”

Dib stared in confusion at the sudden insult, his breath evening out. The child’s skin faded from the sickly pale green to the darker shade Dib was familiar with. The scars and tubes vanished, leaving nothing but smooth velvet skin. The bloodshot eyes were quickly replaced with bright lavender irises, but with Zim this close, he could see the pools of scarlet behind them.

“Z-Zim?” Dib stuttered. He glanced around, the people and screens around him becoming hazy and unfocused before blowing away like dust. “W-what’s going on?”

“FINALLY!” Zim cried out in relief, letting go of Dib’s face. It took you long enough to snap out of it!”

“Snap… snap out of what?” Dib asked, still reeling from his breakdown. The classroom and furniture slowly began to return, albeit coated in a thick layer of mist. One of the students rushed by him in a panic, ramming straight into the wall. “Wait, what the hell is going on?!” 

“The next mercenary is here, Dib-stupid. They’re responsible for this mist and making our idiot classmates run around in blind panic.” Zim replied, glancing in annoyance at the fallen student. “If you are done leaking fluids from your vision holes, we need to stop them before they make things worse.

Dib tried to get up but was held in place by his wrists. He glanced up to the sight of Zim’s PAK cables gripping his wrists. “Wait… so none of…”

“You’ve been hallucinating.” Zim sighed, releasing Dib’s wrists. “The mist causes its victims to visualize their greatest fears. You would still be sniveling on the floor if it weren’t for my device Zim placed a hand on his chest proudly. “You may praise Zim’s intelligence now.”

“So the mist…” Dib brought a hand to the device over his nose and mouth, the last of his mental fog clearing. “ _ None of that was real.”  _ He told himself.  _ “It was all just a dream. You’re not crazy, Zim’s right there. Zim is…” _ Dib tilted his head in confusion. “Wait, hold on.” He said. “If the room is still full of mist, how come you aren’t hallucinating like everyone else?”

Zim turned to the side to display his PAK. “My PAK filters out the air I breathe in from my meat body. How do you expect invaders to be effective if they are poisoned by a foreign atmosphere?

“Okay, I guess that makes sense,” Dib replied, rising to his feet.

“Now Dib-stink, if you are done sniveling on the ground, time is of the essence! We must locate the mercenary!”

Dib’s eyes flew open, grabbing Zim under his arms and hoisting him into the air. “MY CAMERAS!” 

“NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE LOOKING FOR YOUR BIG FEET, DIB!” Zim cried. “AND PUT ME DOWN OR I WILL RIP OUT YOUR THROAT!”

“What? No, not bigfoot!” Dib abruptly dropped Zim, pulling up the image of the classroom on his communicator. “Before the room filled with mist, I managed to get my camera feed working again.”

Zim shot Dib a look of pure confusion. “How is your ghost camera supposed to help find the mercenary?” 

Dib quickly checked the image, then glanced around the room. “Because THAT--” he said, pointing to a spot on the wall-- “isn’t my camera. And I can tell you right now the school surveillance system doesn’t have a camera there normally.” He lowered his arm and chuckled slightly. “If they did, I would have had a much easier time proving you were an alien.”

Zim’s face perked up. “So, that means the cameras are…”

“The mercenary!” Dib exclaimed, frantically typing commands into his communicator. “And since it’s a wireless system, I can…” He smiled smugly, the device displaying a map of the school, with a small red dot at the center. “Got ‘em.”

“HAHAHA, excellent work, Dib!” Zim exclaimed, a smile spreading across his face. “I knew there was a brain in that giant head of yours!” 

Zim dashed into the hallway, leaving Dib standing there flustered.  _ Did Zim just fucking compliment me? Or am I still hallucinating? _

“DIB-WORM! QUIT STANDING THERE!” Zim poked his head through the door, his disguise now entirely stripped off. “VamaNOOOOOOOS!”

Dib shook his head and ran after the Irken. He could worry about that little detail later. For now, he had a mercenary to catch and a skool to save.

~

Dib and Zim followed the signal to the skool boiler room, dodging more students and some of the teachers along the way.

“I think this is it,” Dib said, glancing up from his map. “This is the only door to the boiler room.”

Zim pulled out a blaster and blew the door off the hinges. Steam and mist poured through the door frame. Zim’s PAK suddenly began to flash and beep.

“ Warning .” A small robotic voice chimed out in irken. “ Atmosphere filter nearing capacity. Please vacate immediately.”

Dib cocked an eyebrow in concern. “Um… what the hell was that?”

“Errrrrr, NOTHING!” Zim screamed. “EVERYTHING IS FINE!”

Dib rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right, space-boy. What the hell was that? Do we need to turn back?”

“WHAT? NO!” Zim growled, his antenna pressed back against his skull. “Zim is perfectly capable of fighting! ZIM IS NO COWARD!”

“Okay, okay!” Dib replied, holding his hands up in defense. “Sorry for worrying about your well being.”

Zim simply huffed in response, walking through the doorway. Dib followed behind him, his glasses quickly fogging up with steam.

“Crap,” Dib muttered, wiping his glasses with his shirt. “Let's find the mercenary quick. Being down here is a pain in the--”

“AH-HA!” Zim cried out, pointing to a back wall. “SURRENDER FOOL!” Zim grabbed Dib by the arm and dragged him deeper into the fog.

Once his arm was no longer being yanked on, Dib looked up to where Zim was pointing, his jaw dropping to the floor. Before him was a six-armed humanoid figure, her neck covered in a thick layer of fluff, with a collar wrapped around it. She was wrapped in what looked like a cloak, the mist leaking out from under it onto the floor around her. There were two feather-like antennas on her head, and her eyes were big, round and bright red. She was focused intensely on an extensive collection of holographic monitors in front of her, each hand typing commands into separate panels. She reviewed the footage, chuckling slightly as one student began rolling around on the floor in panic.

“Foolish Ascalan!” Zim cried, “Tremble in fear at the sight of ZIIIIIIIM!”

The mercenary jumped at the sudden sound, her “cloak” spreading out into two enormous wings, appearing almost like an atlas moth. Her wings spanned 10 feet wide, and were pitch black, with some small intricate designs across them. As they flapped, they shimmered to reveal a vibrant display of colors.

“... no way.” Dib whispered, his eyes growing wide and a smile creeping across his face.

“HM?! Oh yeah, and the Dib… I guess.” Zim remarked with a dismissive wave.

The squeal of joy that erupted from Dib caused both Zim and the Ascalan to cover their antenna in pain. The frequency was easily one step below a dog whistle but blasted at the volume of a foghorn. Zim whipped his head to face Dib, shooting him down with an icy glare.

“What do you think you’re doing, Dib-thing?! Do not hit Zim with your sonic blasts!”

Dib was practically vibrating with excitement. “SHE LOOKS LIKE MOTHMAN ZIM!” Dib bounced in place, a giant smile plastered on his face. “THIS IS THE COOLEST MERCENARY YET!”

“DIB THING! DID YOUR MEAT BRAIN FORGET WHY WE ARE HERE?!”

Dib abruptly stopped, his face flushing bright red. “Oh yeah, right.” He reached into his coat and pulled out his alien sleep cuffs. “Alright, space-boy, let’s do this.”

The Ascalan soared into the air and positioned herself right above Dib and Zim. She produced a thick layer of mist from the small ports under her wings, flinging the cloud at the two with a single flap.

“HA! Nice try moth woman!” Dib cried triumphantly, tapping on the air filter Zim made for him. “We came prepared.”

“ Atmosphere filter now at capacity. ” Zim PAK chimed. “ Please evacuate the area immediately.”

Zim collapsed to the floor in a coughing fit, desperately gasping for air. The Ascalan didn’t waste any time and quickly began to fly toward the door. Dib’s confident demeanor dropped, quickly rushing to the Irken’s side.

“Oh shit! I knew you were full of crap earlier!” Dib cried, kneeling and supporting Zim’s shoulder with his hand.

“NO!” Zim cried through the coughing, brushing Dib off. “Don’t -  _ HACK  _ \- lose her!”

Dib gave a small nervous nod. “I won’t let her get away.”

Zim couldn’t muster a reply. He continued to hack as his vision swirled in and out of focus as he watched the human disappear into the fog.

Dib dashed his way through the boiler room, squeezing through various pipes. He quickly caught up to the Ascalan, who was tangled in the mess of metal. The mist had filled the place so much that she failed to see them before getting caught.

“Found you!” Dib cried out in relief. “Man, it would have been a nightmare chasing you down throughout the entire skoo- AHHH!”

The Ascalan had untangled herself from the pipes and had managed to grab a spare wrench that was on the ground. She shut her eyes in fear and flailed the tool, missing Dib by a mile.

“... wow, you have absolutely no combat skills, huh?” Dib chuckled, pulling out his alien sleep cuffs from his coat. “Guess that makes my job easier.”

Dib snapped the cuffs onto two of the Ascalan's wrists. She dropped the tool in confusion, looking at Dib in befuddlement.

Dib flushed bright red, realizing that the cuffs were nothing more than a scam. “Aww, shit.”

The Ascalan glanced back at the door only a few feet behind her. She took flight, taunting Dib as she escaped by sticking her tongue out at him. Her victory was short-lived as she slammed headfirst into a pipe, crashing down to the hard cement floor.

Dib jumped onto her back, pinning her wings down with his arms and legs. “Not how I thought I would win, but I’ll take it!” He smirked as the Ascalan squirmed and struggled underneath him. “Well, got anything to say for yourself before I expose you to the world?”

The Ascalan opened her mouth but was interrupted by a sudden noisemaker sound.

“Congratulations!” the collar around the Ascalans neck cried out. “Your 24 hours are now over. Your target is not deactivated. You had one job, and you have failed. Prepare to be mocked upon return.”

The Ascalan looked up at Dib, and shimmered her six arms from under him and flipped him the bird as she phased away. Dib fell to the floor with a  _ thud _ at her absence.

“Oh, COME ON!” Dib cried, throwing his hands over his head. “Can I get to enjoy a victory for five minutes?!”

With the mercenary gone, the mist quickly began to dissipate, allowing Dib to see more of his surroundings.

“No, no, that can’t be right…” Zim muttered from across the room. “Zim was assigned this mission…”

Dib turned to see Zim kneeling on the ground; head bowed so low his forehead was practically on the floor. His eyes were staring down in terror, and his antenna shook. He carefully walked over to the Irken, not wanting to spook him and risk getting stabbed by a PAK leg. 

“Zim?” He asked, voice cracking slightly. “You okay?”

Zim abruptly lifted his head off the ground; his eyes brimming with fear. “ZIM IS NOT DEFECTIVE!”

Dib jumped back at the outburst, unsure of what to do next. Even though the mist had started to clear, Zim was still trapped in his hallucination.

“Crap, how long is it going to take for his PAK to filter out the mist from his system? I only snapped out of it because…” Dib glanced down at the device around his face, then back at Zim. “I mean, I guess this thing is worth a shot.”

Before he could second guess himself, Dib unlatched the device from around his face and snapped it onto Zim’s mouth. The Irken panicked for a moment, his breathing increasing as he hugged himself.

“No! You can’t deactivate me!” Zim cried in panic. “You can’t... eh?” Zim’s breathing evened out, and his eyes locked onto Dib. “Dib?” Zim glanced around the room. Where is the Ascalan? Did you let her get away?!” Zim stood up and poked Dib on the nose. “You pathetic worm! You had one job!”

“Hey!” Dib smacked Zim’s hand off his face. “I didn’t lose her! I defeated her!”

“Well then, where is she?!”

Dib rubbed at the back of his neck. “She, um… kind of teleported away?”

“WHAT?!” Zim growled, grabbing Dib by his shirt. “That is the OPPOSITE of what you were supposed to do!”

“Hey, it’s not my fault! That stupid collar she had said her time was up and then  _ POOF,  _ she was gone!”

Zim crossed his arms and tapped his foot in thought. “Hmm, that would explain how that cyborg disappeared. AND how the Aquarian escaped the cold storage chamber.” Zim went to tap his chin, feeling the air filter that was on his face. “EH?! Dib-stink, why is your air filter on Zim’s face?”

“Oh, uhhhh.” Dib stuttered. “You were kind of in the middle of a hallucination when the Ascalan got away. The mist was clearing, but I figured, you know, since the filter worked for me, it might help you snap out of it faster.”

Zim yanked the collar off his face, sticking his tongue out in disgust. “UGH, DIB GERMS!” He pulled out a stick of cleansing chalk from his PAK and began to rub it on his face furiously. “It will take me HOURS to disinfect myself!”

“... wow, glad to see you appreciate my help there, Zim.” Dib responded with an eye roll.

“SILENCE!” Zim tucked the cleansing chalk away and put his disguise back on. “We need to return before our class master realizes we are missing. Now that the mercenary is gone, Miss Bitters and our idiot classmates should be reverting back to their stupid, smelly selves again.”

They started to make their way out of the boiler room until Dib tripped on a strange object on the floor. He landed face first, causing Zim to burst out laughing at the display.

“OW! Son of a- can I get a break today?” Dib snatched at the cause of his fall. “Wait, is this what I think it is?!”

“Eh? What are you muttering about?”

“Zim, I think this is the Ascalan’s personal computer system. This must have been what they used to connect to all the cameras. If I can just…”

Dib switched the device on, only for the device to start sparking.

“It appears the Ascalan dropped it and damaged the holo display,” Zim said, switching the device back off. “Unfortunately, the nearest planet that would have the parts to repair this device is three systems away.”

“What if we just hack into it and pull the data then?” Dib turned the device over in his hands. “The mainframe looks undamaged, and who knows what kind of information is stored away here. She might even have info on who she works for!”

“Huh, maybe that meat brain of yours can work after all,” Zim remarked.

Dib dashed toward the door. “Come on, space-boy! I can’t wait to start diving into this thing! Who knows what kind of info we’ll find!”

Zim watched as Dib excitedly skipped out of the room. The irken clenched his fists and shut his eyes.

“None of it was real,” Zim whispered to himself, “The tallest are counting on me… they gave me this mission themselves. I’m not--” He shook his head and straightened his spine. “They’re counting on me. I won’t let them down.”

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy, HERE WE GO!
> 
> We made a Tumblr page to compile update notifications, art we plan to make, and for interactions with you readers! Its Star-and-Sage.tumblr.com (it's new, so I'm not sure how easy it is to find, but it's there)


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